Allen Iverson Just Five Years Away From Regretting All The Tattoos

PHILADELPHIA--Allen Iverson may be proud of his tattoos now, but that could change in a few years, according to psychologists. People who cover themselves with tattoos in their early twenties generally experience overwhelming feelings of regret around the age of 35, when they realize the irrevocable damage they have done to their bodies. At age 30, Iverson is five years away from such an experience.

“Allen is a typical example of a person who, at a young age, was unable or unwilling to consider the consequences of littering his body with bad body art,” said Dr. Arthur Straub, psychologist. “I’m afraid he is facing a bleak future of regret and horror at the fact that his sagging, aging skin is cluttered with unsightly pictures and ridiculous slogans. It’s kind of funny, really, the way bad decisions always come back to bite you in the ass.”

Straub said that laser surgery would not be an option for Iverson because of the sheer number and size of the tattoos on his body.

“There’s nothing at all that he can do. He’s powerless to change his appearance,” said Straub. “And that’s too bad because some of those things are pretty lame. He has one that says “Cru Thik.” That’s the name of his record company. I’m sure he’s going to really value that when he gets older. On his right arm is a picture of a soldier’s head. The words “east end” run vertically down his left leg. Oh, and on his right leg he has another “Cru Thik” tattoo. What a mess. It does make me feel better about that big Spin Doctors tattoo I have on my back, though.”

While Iverson is the most obvious example of body art gone awry, Dr. Straub said the problem is evident all across the NBA, and in other sports as well.

“It’s not just Iverson. The whole league is in trouble,” said Straub. “There are going to be some very unhappy old people 10, 20 years from now. Kenyon Martin, Doug Christie, Jason Williams, the list goes on. If they’re so bent on sending shout-outs to their loved ones, why can’t they just send a greeting card?”

When reached for comment, Iverson scoffed at the notion that he would regret his tattoos. He doesn’t consider them merely drawings, but artistic statements that carry a deeper meaning.

“To say that I’m going to regret these tattoos is just ignorant,” said Iverson. “Who is that doctor? He doesn’t know me. These tattoos are the way I express myself. I’m not worried about getting old. There is no way I will ever feel any different about things than I do right now. In fact I’m thinking of getting a few more. There are still a couple people in my life that I haven’t honored with a tattoo, like my mailman and that lady who sells the programs outside the arena. Also I heard this great expression the other day that really blew me away. Ready? ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ Wow. That one’s going on my forehead.”

Another heavily tattooed NBA player, Jason Williams, feels that his tattoos are an extension of himself.

“I love my tattoos. They’re as much a part of my body as my arms and legs,” said Williams, who plays for the Memphis Grizzlies and boasts 7 tattoos. “They symbolize who I am and stuff. I’ll never regret them. How could I regret them? They’re so awesome. I think next year I’m going to get a grim reaper to symbolize how much I love basketball. What? A grim reaper symbolize death? I thought it symbolized basketball. I thought everything symbolized basketball.”

With the tattoo fad now reaching into the college game and even the high school game, Straub has suggested an awareness program to educate young athletes on the pros and cons of tattoos. However, he realizes getting the message across will be difficult.

“It’s so widespread now. Kids really think it’s the thing to do,” said Straub. “Even perfectly normal, well-adjusted kids feel the need to get at least one tattoo. The funny thing is they feel that it’s making them stand out from the crowd, when it is actually a sign of conformity. We need to get to these kids early and make them realize what they’re doing to themselves. Maybe we could tell them that if they’re not careful, they’ll end up looking like Kenyon Martin. That will freak them out. Talk about being scared straight.”