BRISTOL, CT--In an effort to promote the new book, Man in the Middle, ESPN has asked its author, homosexual John Amaechi, if he’d be willing to have gay sex on Sportscenter. The network, which is also the publisher of the book, feels that a provocative incident on camera will be an effective way to generate more publicity.

“We’ve done everything we can to promote this thing,” said Jessica Goodman, marketing director for ESPN Books. “We’re plugging the shit out of it on ESPN under the guise of actual news reporting. Conflict of interest? Maybe. And it’s going to get even worse when we get Amaechi to have gay sex on Sportscenter. Now that’s going to create some controversy, and it’s also going to challenge America’s willingness to tolerate other lifestyles, which is what we’re all about here at ESPN. That, and selling things. We love selling things. Wanna buy my hat? It's yours for 50 bucks.”

Goodman defended the network’s promotional campaign, claiming they are doing a public service in addition to publicizing the book.

“Look, we’re doing a public service here,” Goodman said. “We’re teaching people to be tolerant and junk and we’re also teaching gays that it’s okay to come out of the closet. Sure, having gay sex on TV will offend some people, but it will also sell a lot of books. This kind of thing is very lucrative. Thank you gay people! May you harbor your terrible secret for years until you break down and allow us to exploit it for monetary gain.”

According to Goodman, the gay sex would occur during a segment on Sportscenter, and then be debated and analyzed by the PTI guys, Sean Salisbury, John Clayton, Stephen A Smith, Charles Barkley, Greg Anthony, and others.

“It will be a media firestorm, no doubt,” said Goodman. “And we will give it the exhaustive coverage it deserves. Also, if any of our male personalities are turned on, we’ll know they’re gay, and then we can approach them about a book deal. In the corporate world, this is called ‘synergy.’ In the real world, it’s called…Greg Anthony. Just kidding, Greg! We know you’re straight. But if you ever decided to switch, you know we’re here for you.”

Goodman has already pitched her idea to Amaechi, who was shocked, but promised to mull it over before giving an answer. However, when reached for comment, Amaechi said the chances are “slim to none” that he will accept Goodman’s proposal.

“I haven’t given a definitive answer, but it’s probably going to be a ‘no,’” he told the Miami Herald today. “I mean I appreciate their efforts to try and drum up some publicity but there’s a certain line you don’t want to cross. Having sex on TV would be so…gross. What would make it even grosser is doing it in front of those freaks at ESPN. Can you imagine taking your pants off with Sean Salisbury standing in the room? Talk about erectile dysfunction. How much Cialis can you take before it actually kills you?”

Amaechi did say he appreciated the way ESPN has handled his situation thus far.

“They’ve actually been very supportive of me. I have no problems with anything they’ve done. Obviously they’re trying to sell books and they’re out promoting it any way they can, but that’s part of the process. Are they exploiting me? Maybe, but I don’t mind, because the end result is that people will become more tolerant and less frightened of gays - and less tolerant and more frightened of ESPN, if that’s even possible.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.