BOSTON, MA--Kenyans may be good at running marathons, but the US is still better than Kenya at pretty much everything else, said a group of American runners yesterday. The comments were made after Kenyans swept the Boston marathon once again, winning both the men’s and women’s races.

“Hey, congrats to the Kenyans for winning the marathon again,” said US runner Brian Sell, who came in fourth. “They sure do have a knack for marathon running. It’s just too bad they’re not very good at anything else. I mean I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but let’s face it: America is vastly superior to Kenya in every area other than marathon running, which, if you think about it, is pretty trivial anyway. Who really gives a shit who wins a marathon?”

Sell was part of a group of 5 Americans that finished in the top 10, in what was a breakthrough year for US runners.

“That was a good race for us. It was kind of a breakthrough,” said Alan Culpepper, who finished 5th. “Someday we hope to win, but it's no big deal either way. We have baseball here and football and basketball and tons of other sports, plus we are world leaders in industry and economics, and we have the strongest military with the most expensive weapons, and tons of celebrities who are beautiful and talented and funny. In Kenya, they just have a bunch of dirt. They don’t even have shoes. I’m sorry but I’m not impressed.”

Kenya is one of the poorest nations in the world. Foreign debt, electricity shortages, and government corruption have for years stood in the way of significant economic development. Pretty lame when compared to a superpower like the United States.

“Look, the Kenyans are great runners and nobody is taking that away from them,” said Sell. “But they shouldn’t get cocky just because they dominate this marathon every year. They’re all jumping up and down like they’re, what, better than America? Come on, people. Get bent. The only reason you're so good at running is that you can't afford cars.”

Sell went a step further and noted that, for Americans, the marathon is “just for fun” while the Kenyans need it to validate themselves as a nation.

“The saddest thing is that they need a marathon to give them a sense of worth,” he said. “For us it’s just a fun diversion between counting our money and going about our awesome lives in the greatest country in the world. Heck I only run the marathon to lose weight because we have such an overabundance of food in this country. Imagine that? People are starving in Kenya. I don’t think people who are starving have anything to brag about.”

Robert Cheruiyot, the Kenyan who won this year’s Boston Marathon, called the Americans “sore losers” and said their comments were proof of their frustration and jealousy over the Kenyan’s annual dominance.

“Oh, look who’s being a sore loser now,” said Cheruiyot, who finished the race in 2 hours, 7 minutes, and 14 seconds to break the previous record by a single second. “The Americans are jealous because they can’t run a marathon. They’re too fat and lazy. And look how excited they get from finishing third, fourth, and fifth. Congratulations! You lost, but not by as wide a margin as usual. Break out the champagne bottles! Next year I will refocus myself and crush my American competitors by running the race the conventional way instead of hopping on one foot like I did this year. Sorry, I was bored.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.