Report: Some Americans Not Ready For Some Football

NEW YORK--A recent study commissioned by the NFL indicates that some Americans may not be ready for some football. The alarming report is expected to serve as a wake up call for NFL fans as well as for the media, which is being blamed for leaving the nation woefully unprepared for the start of the 2004 season.

ESPN president George Bodenheimer called the findings “an embarrassment” and vowed to take all necessary steps to get Americans up to speed before the opening kickoff on Sept. 10th.

“Obviously, everyone in the media needs to take a look in the mirror and ask themselves if they’re doing enough,” Bodenheimer said during an interview on Outside the Lines. “We here at ESPN accept our share of blame for this lack of foresight and will lead the way in preparing all of our nation’s citizens for some football. That way, when Hank Williams yells ‘Are you ready for some football?’ they answer will be a resounding ‘Yes.’”

The study noted that the majority of unprepared Americans fall into the female demographic, although the male demographic is also represented. After the result of the study were made public, many ill-prepared Americans frantically asked football authorities what they needed to do to ready themselves for the season opener between the Colts and the Patriots.

“Oh my God, the football season is upon us? Holy shit I forgot all about it,” said Vera Babcock, a 36-year-old homemaker from Sterling Township, MI. “I’ve been so busy with the new baby and everything that I guess I just lost track of the date. Taking care of an infant is a full time job, but that’s no excuse for not being ready for some football. Time is running out, so I guess that leaves me only one choice: sell the baby on the black market.”

Greg Watts, 31-year-old investment banker, is one of the few males in the 18-34 demographic that was represented in the study. He, too, claims that the football season sneaked up on him and is looking for some tips on how to get himself up to speed in such a short period of time.

“OK, OK, OK. It’s not time to push the panic button,” said Watts. “I just need to know how I can properly prepare myself here. I have yet to enroll in fantasy football, I have yet to sign up for my office football pool, and I haven’t even been keeping up with all my favorite sportswriters, which means I don’t know the answer to each team’s burning questions coming into training camp. Hell, I don’t even know the top ten fantasy wide receivers. I don’t even know the goddamn pre-season power rankings yet! Oh God, it is time to push the panic button.”

In response to all the pleas for help, NFL.com is posting a checklist of things to do for people who are not yet ready for some football. This helpful, how-to guide should be available for viewing by Wednesday, September 2.

“This isn’t a complete survival guide, just a simple little list to point people in the right direction,” said Ray Harring, chief editor for NFL.com. “We’ve got some very basic and very important recommendations here. We’re suggesting these people stock up on snack chips, comfortable seating, NFL merchandise sporting the logo of their favorite teams, NFL Sunday ticket for Direct TV, and of course a subscription to NFL.com’s fantasy football Insider. Where else can you find in-depth statistics about every game and player in the league? A newspaper? Oh. Well, you got me there.”

Those in the 18-25 male demographic are expected to be fully prepared for the season already, but those who aren’t need to keep in mind a few essential items important to NFL viewing.

“If I’m in the 18-35 demographic, I’m picking up some cheap, watered down beer, some halfway decent weed, a fully functional bong, and some ice cream cakes,” said Harring. “Ice cream cakes are amazingly refreshing and tasty, especially when you’ve been doing bong hits all day and your mouth tastes like an ashtray.”

Now that the NFL’s football-preparedness report has been released and analyzed, some are wondering just how so many so-called Americans slipped through the cracks. The person most confused, however, is Hank Williams Jr., himself. The country-music icon has been questioning the nation’s readiness for years, but this is the first time the answer has been “no.”

Executives at ABC hinted that if Hank Williams Jr’s message stops resonating with the American viewing public, they may hire Toby Keith, a more “edgy” country music star who will threaten viewers with physical violence if they are not ready for some football.