NEW YORK--According to a recent government study, fewer Major League Baseball players are quitting the game to join the armed forces. In the past five years a total of zero players have done so, compared to the early days of the league, when dozens of major leaguers volunteered for service

“There certainly does seem to be a discrepancy between the players of yesteryear and the players of today,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. “Don’t get me wrong. They all seem to be fine, upstanding men and I’m sure they love America, but for some reason, they’re not joining the Army. Perhaps they don’t realize they have the option. Maybe there should be some sort of televised advertising campaign to raise awareness.”

In the 1940’s, all-star players like Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio and Bob Feller interrupted their careers to serve in the armed forces. All were volunteers, and all saw combat. That's a far cry from today's ballplayers.

“Apparently modern players don’t realize all the great benefits to joining the armed forces,” said Army spokesman Brian Anderson. “You can get a great education, you can learn computer skills, you can play in the band, you can be a veritable Army of One. In baseball you get nothing but money and fame. You can’t even sit in a control room and monitor computer screens or lean out of the side of a helicopter and give the thumbs-up sign. Am I the only one who thinks this shit is cool?”

One compelling reason for players to avoid enrolling in the military is the amount of money they earn to play baseball. The average salary in MLB is currently around $2.5 million per year. By contrast, the US Armed Forces pay only a pittance.

“It would seem that there is some wage disparity between the service and professional baseball,” said Anderson. “But the Army isn’t about wages. It’s about protecting our freedoms. It’s about responsibility. It’s about looking into your father’s eyes for the first time in your life and telling him that you're ready to become a man. Plus you also get skills from the Army that last a lifetime, whereas in baseball you’re pretty much finished when you hit 40. Yes, I’m talking to you, Randy Johnson”

While most ballplayers consider themselves to be patriotic, the downward trend in Army enrollment isn't expected to stop anytime soon. The sad fact is that most players are just too rich and too comfortable to put themselves in the line of fire.

“The Army is great for normal kids who don’t have many other options,” said Padres pitcher Jake Peavy, “but for people like us it’s just not a viable option. Look, I love America and all she stands for but there’s no way in hell I’m shaving my head and joining the Army. Sorry, it’s just too much to give up. Plus I can do more good here, where I can spread awareness about how awesome America is and make people happy with my pitching. Isn't that worth more than crouching in some foxhole? No? I didn't think so. ”

Some players argue that if the so-called heroes of yesteryear played ball in the modern times, they, too, would opt to continue their baseball careers rather than enroll in the Armed Forces.

“Hey, I give all the credit in the world to Ted Williams and those guys,” said one AL player, who asked not to be identified. “But let’s face it. Back then, the professional baseball wasn’t the cash cow it is now. There is absolutely no reason in the year 2006 for a professional baseball player to do anything other than cling to his career for as long as he possibly can until they kick him out of the league. If Ted Williams were alive today, I think he would feel the same way. We can even ask him about it when they thaw him out and bring him back to life.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.