Astros Have Audacity To Offer Beltran Limited No-Trade Clause

HOUSTON, TX--Astros owner Drayton McLane, ungrateful for the three months of brilliant play he received from free agent Carlos Beltran, had the audacity to offer him a limited no-trade clause instead of the full no-trade clause he so richly deserved. Beltran and agent Scott Boras were reportedly outraged by the slight and backed out of contract negotiations immediately.

“Well I never,” said Boras , who is considering filing a formal complaint with the league. “I’ve been an agent for a long time, but I’ve never seen such a blatant lack of respect for a matinee player. Carlos gave and he gave and he gave. And then he gave some more. And what did he get in return? A limited no-trade clause. A limited no trade clause for a 5-tool player. I hope the Astros rot in hell for what they’ve done.”

Drayton McLane defended his decision at a press conference yesterday, explaining that it’s club policy not to offer no trade clauses.

“The Astros would prefer not to offer no-trade clauses to any of our players,” said McLane. “We don’t feel like its good business to do that because it makes us less flexible from a financial standpoint. We do feel like we made a very generous offer, though. So what if he’s a 5-tool player? At $108 million, that’s still $21.6 million per tool.”

The team’s idiotic decision has left it without a dependable centerfielder. It also may have hurt the chances of resigning Roger Clemens, who was said to be paying close attention to the negotiations.

“I think Roger was very concerned about whether or not Carlos would return to the team,” said a source close to the negotiations. “Knowing that they had a chance to sign him and they slapped him in the face like that might hurt their standing in Roger’s eyes. The fact that they offered him a pedestrian $108 million isn’t helping either. If these guys were at all committed to winning, they would’ve at least let the guy walk away with some dignity. Offering a limited no-trade clause is like spitting in his face.”

The Astros admittedly offered Beltran less money than the Mets, but McLane was convinced the centerfielder would return to the team anyway.

“He had such a positive experience here, I really thought that would be enough to bring him back,” said McLane. “He developed a real bond with the fans here, too. This city adopted him and made him a hometown hero. On top of all that the school system here is second to none. Apparently none of these things mattered in the face of a few million extra bucks. I feel so betrayed, so despondent. I think I'll just go home and roll around in thousand dollar bills.”

The Astros are being roundly criticized for their bizarre negotiating tactics. Local columnists ripped McLane and GM Tim Purpura for their blatant disregard for common decency, and the national media joined in as well. On Sportscenter, analyst John Kruk called the move “bush league.”

“That is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Kruk. “The Astros front office is total bush league. Offering that despicable ‘limited’ no trade clause, they not only alienated their fans, they alienated their star player, and that’s just sad. Whatever happens to them, they deserve it. I’ll tell you who the real victims are, here: the other Astros players. It’s bad enough they have to play in the gayest ballpark in America, now they have to do it without Carlos Beltran.”

The loss of Beltran leaves the pathetic Astros searching for ways to fill the gaping whole in the starting lineup. Despite their hideous blunder, the team’s front office is surprisingly serene.

“Well, you win some you lose some,” said McLane. “We gave him a good offer and he rejected it. He has earned the right, I guess. I just hope that he stays healthy and blossoms into one of the top two or three players in the game. Anything else would be unacceptable considering the amount of money he’s being paid. Carlos shouldn’t worry, though. All he needs to be is completely perfect and everyone will be happy.”