Never-Say-Die Astros To Continue Playing Despite Being Eliminated

BOSTON, MA--The 2004 Houston Astros are not a team that gives up easily. Left for dead midway through the season, the Astros came to life and surged into the playoffs, defeating the Atlanta Braves in the first round only to lose to the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLCS. But just when you thought the Astros were dead and buried, they’ve decided that they don’t want to go home just yet. The team announced yesterday that it was headed to Boston to play in the World Series, despite the fact that it had already been eliminated.

“The word ‘quit’ is not in this team’s vocabulary,” said manager Phil Garner. “There were plenty of times during the season when we could’ve folded our tents and gone away. But that’s not what we’re about. We just keep plugging away. That’s what we’re doing now. We’re determined to win this World Series, so we’re headed to Boston to take on the Red Sox.”

Garner said he was proud of his team for persevering even when their backs were against the wall.

“I’m sure a lot of you thought we were dead and buried when the Cardinals beat us in Game 7,” said Garner. “I’m sure you all counted us out. But we still believed in ourselves. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and now we’re ready for a real tough series against Boston. I just hope they don’t start it without us.”

Hundreds of Houston residents have made the trip to Boston to support their beloved Astros. The lack of available tickets, parking spaces and hotel rooms has not dampened their spirits. Most of these fans are just happy to be there after witnessing the ‘Stros get eliminated in the NLCS.

“I don’t care if I get a ticket or not. I’m here to support the Astros,” said Nancy McDermott, 32. “To think, just a few days ago I thought their remarkable run was over. I was devastated. But now, here we are in Boston to play the Red Sox in the World Series. Wow. This really is a team of destiny.”

Some Astros fans have already had run-ins with Cardinals fans that came to Boston to see their own team play the Red Sox. There appears to be some confusion over which team is the National League champ.

“These Cardinals fans should just go home,” said Phil Ross of Galveston, TX. “Just because they ‘won’ the series doesn’t mean they’re playing in the World Series. This is just another example of somebody underestimating the Houston Astros. We don’t get any respect. The rest of the league may be shoveling dirt over us, but we know that it aint over till its over. Hell, even when it is over it aint over…if you follow me”

In the midst of all the confusion, the league has attempted to clarify the situation by issuing a statement supporting the St. Louis Cardinals as National League champions. The statement, which was released Friday morning, states unequivocally that the Astros have been eliminated and should go home.

“The Houston Astros, though a talented and exciting team, were beaten by the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLCS. Traditionally, the winner of the NLCS goes on to the World Series. We congratulate the Astros on their fine season, but insist that they go home and let the Cardinals and Red Sox enjoy the spotlight which they have earned, fair and square. Now stop embarrassing yourselves. It’s fucking pathetic.”

Unfortunately, the Astros had already arrived by Friday evening. Players, in full uniform, were milling about outside Fenway Park. They managed to convince a confused security guard to let them into the stadium so they could take batting practice. While the Astros were taking their swings, several Cardinals players emerged from the clubhouse, bats in hand.

“We were getting ready to take batting practice, but when we walked onto the field the Astros were here,” said third baseman Scott Rolen. “They were in full uniform. Carlos Beltran was standing in the cage swinging away. Boy, was I was surprised to see him there. I figured he’d be in a Yankees uniform by now.”

After the confrontation between Rolen and Beltran became heated, members of both teams got involved. Several minutes of pushing and shoving ensued until security guards alerted the police, who arrived on the scene and kicked the Astros out of Fenway Park for good. Back on the team bus, the Astros vowed to continue battling until the final bell.

“I just want to say to all our fans that we are not throwing in the towel just yet,” said outfielder Lance Berkman. “We didn’t come this far to shrivel up and die when the odds are stacked against us. The mark of a great team is its resiliency and fortitude. We have all those things in spades. Plus, we’ve got a plan to get back into this thing. Unfortunately it’s going to involve shooting some security guards.”