LOS ANGELES--The Atlanta Braves’ 2006 season opened on Monday with a win against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Though it’s only April, many of the Braves players are already dreading the postseason, which, over the years, has come to represent failure and disappointment for the franchise.

Sadly, the team is stacked and is expected to win the division once again.

“Here we go again. It’s another season full of promise,” said third baseman Chipper Jones. “We’re going to take the division this year, I just know it. We’ve got some good, young players and a strong pitching staff. Sure we’re not perfect, but let’s face it: we’ll be in the postseason. And we’ve got to play 162 games with that hanging over our heads.”

The Braves have won a staggering 14 consecutive division titles since 1991 but only have one World Series to show for it. In the past 4 seasons alone they have been knocked out of the playoffs in the first round. Winning the division and then politely going away has become an annual ritual for the Braves.

“It’s only April but I can already feel October bearing down like a freight train,” said pitcher John Smoltz. “I wish I could be stuck in eternal spring time, but alas, time stops for no man. And when you’re an Atlanta Brave, time moves faster and night falls quicker, as you march toward the inevitable in a morbid parade of the doomed. Not that I’m trying to be negative or anything. I’m just saying.”

Smoltz was around for the World Series in 1995 and remembers thinking that it was the first of many.

“Winning the World Series was a great experience, and we all thought we could do it again,” he said. “And if you told us we were going to win every division title between then and now, I would’ve personally guaranteed at least 5 or 6 more championships. But it just hasn’t worked out that way. We’ve somehow turned into chokers. There’s always hope, though. We could not make the playoffs at all this year.”

Last season, the Braves looked poised to make a run at the National League pennant. There was a loose attitude in the clubhouse, and the team seemed to have a fire and confidence that had been missing in previous years. All the pieces were in place for the Braves to break their postseason jinx.

They lost in the first round 3-1 to the Houston Astros.

“Last year a lot of people thought things were going to be different,” said outfielder Andruw Jones. “I even thought so. We had me having a career year, [Rafael] Furcal at the top of his game, Smoltzie and Tim Hudson anchoring the rotation, and even a young kid named Jeff Francoeur who could do no wrong. But we lost anyway. Now it’s all I can think about. I hit a game-winning home run in April and I’m crossing the plate thinking about how we’re going to blow it in October. I guess that’s probably not the healthiest way to approach it.”

It may not have been bad luck that did the Braves in last season. Many experts pointed to their weak bullpen and lack of a reliable closer as reasons for their demise. So has the team corrected that problem this year? Not really.

Said manager Bobby Cox: “Our closer this year is some guy named Chris something. Chris Reitsma. And then there are a whole bunch of other guys I’ve never heard of. We also lost our pitching coach. Still we have enough firepower to win the division, so we’ll have our 15th in a row, and we’re already on the homestretch. I know it seems strange to say we’re in the homestretch when it’s only April, but you have to understand that most of us have been dreading this since November.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.