Michigan Players To Start Attending Class If They Fall To 0-3

ANN ARBOR--Several members of the Michigan Wolverines have announced plans to start attending classes next week if they lose to Notre Dame and fall to 0-3 on the season. With their title hopes completely dashed, the players say there would no longer be any reason to neglect their studies in favor of football.

“I’m definitely going to start attending classes if we fall to 0-3,” said receiver Mario Manningham. “I mean, what the hell, right? Might as well get something useful out of this year, even if it’s only an education. I’ve always kind of wondered what it’s like to go to class anyway. Do they still use chalkboards? Are their chairs and stuff? Will I need a pen? I guess I’ll find out soon enough, since there’s no way in hell we’re winning that game on Saturday.”

Quarterback Chad Henne, who was injured in Saturday’s loss to Oregon, agreed that the season’s spectacular failure could be a blessing in disguise.

“Because we’re almost always competetive, most of us don’t get a chance to attend class,” said Henne. “But now that our chances at a BCS bowl bid are shot, we can take it easy on the football field and shift our focus to the classroom. I even took the liberty of printing up my class schedule last night. Apparently I’m enrolled in Archaeology. That should be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by the way buildings are designed.”

Some players voiced concern that they would be too far behind by the time they started attending classes, which would make the entire ordeal a waste of time.

“It’s going to be tough to walk into a class three weeks into the semester,” said defensive end Tim Jamison. “I’ll probably have a ton of homework to catch up on. I’ll have to get up early too. And I’ll probaby have to participate in class and do book reports and stuff. It almost makes you not want to go to class. Well, not ‘almost’ actually. It does. I’m not going. Anyway, what was I saying?”

Administrators say that the athletes would be welcomed back to the classroom and even given extra help to catch up to their work. They would not, however, be provided with any special treatment because they play on the football team.

“Any football player who wishes to start attending classes is welcome to do so,” said English professor Michael Anderson. “It’s always heartwarming to see an athlete rediscover his love for the academic side of college life. That being said, they will not be afforded any special ‘jock’ treatment like you hear about at other schools in the country, not after losing to frigging Appalachian State.”

Not everyone is excited about the prospect of Michigan players returning to class, however. Coach Lloyd Carr would prefer to see his team focus on football, and leave the academics to the regular students.

“Whoa, back up. Wait just a second there,” Carr said. “Just because we’re 0-2 doesn’t mean our guys should just give up on the season and start going to class. What we need to do is put our nose to the grindstone and win some games. I don't care if we're 0-8, were not going to throw in the towel. I've said this before and I think every college coach would agree with me: the day your players start talking about going to class, you know you've really lost them.”

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