Attorney Insists Vick Ate Every Dog He Killed

ATLANTA--Michael Vick’s attorney, Billy Martin, spoke today at length about the dog-killing allegations leveled against his client and insisted that Vick ate “every single dog” that was killed on his property, dispelling the notion the dogs were killed merely for sport.

“Michael would never just kill an animal for the sake of sport,” Martin told the Atlanta Journal Constitution. “That’s wrong and it’s disgusting. The fact is, he ate all those dogs after he killed them. He cut them up and cooked them on his grill. They're actually quite delectable if you apply the proper seasoning. So Michael’s really no different than your average hunter.”

Martin did admit that Vick’s methods of killing the animals were slightly different from those used by hunters, but contended that the methods were “merely a technicality.”

“Okay, so he drowned and electrocuted them instead of shooting them,” Martin said. “So what? At least they didn’t suffer. It probably took only ten, fifteen minutes to finish them off, tops. And when it was all over the meat was prepared and served to friends, family, and even a local homeless shelter. Does that sound illegal to you? Yes? Oh. Well, you're not a lawyer are you?”

As for the fighting, Martin said that it was being painted in the wrong light. Fighting amongst animals, according to Martin, is commonplace everywhere in nature.

“You look at those National Geographic specials and there are animals kicking the shit out of each other all the time,” he said. “That’s nature. That’s survival of the fittest. Would it be wrong for a bunch of humans to bet on a fight between, say, two cheetahs? No. In fact it would be totally natural. Animals fight and humans bet. It’s all part of the cycle of life. So if Michael is guilty of anything, it’s being human. And possibly marijuana possession.”

Prosecutors are charging that Vick ran a dog fighting ring on his Virginia property and killed wounded dogs by electrocution, hanging, and drowning.

Even if the dogs were eaten, law enforcement officials say, Vick would still in serious trouble.

“Those dogs were bred solely for fighting and when they were no longer useful they were killed in a barbaric way and buried on the property,” said one official who asked not to be identified. “Even if he did eat the dogs it would still be illegal. Actually if he ate them it would be even sicker. Dogs are man's best friend. I wouldn't eat my best friend, not unless we were stranded at sea or something, and even then I would wait two or three days to start digging in. ”

On Monday, the NFL officially banned Vick from Falcons training camp while it reviews his case. However, animal rights groups such as PETA are demanding the NFL go a step further and permanently expel Vick from the league.

“The NFL needs to send a message here and expel Vick permanently from the league,” said Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA. “Did you know that most serial killers start off killing animals? It’s true. Ted Bundy killed several puppies as a child. John Wayne Gacy used to run over cats with his lawnmower. David Berkowitz was an avid fisherman. Vick will probably end up killing a bunch of people someday. You just wait. And when it happens, don't come crying to me - unless he harms an animal in the process.”

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