Baseball Season Trimmed To 125 Games Following Amphetamine Ban

NEW YORK--Baseball’s tough new steroid policy calls for a 50-game penalty for a first time offender and a lifetime ban after three positive tests. It also includes, for the first time, testing for amphetamines. Starting next season players will no longer be allowed to ingest uppers, or “greenies,” prior to games. As a result, the league has trimmed 37 games off the schedule to combat the players’ sluggishness.

“162 games is simply too long for a player under the influence of nothing at all,” commissioner Bud Selig told reporters on Friday. “For decades, players have relied on the energy-giving qualities of amphetamines to get through the grueling baseball season. Now that we have taken that away from them, it’s only right that we make them play fewer games. We don’t want them to be as sluggish and burnt-out as the fans.”

Though the recent scandal in baseball has revolved around steroids, some say that amphetamines are a more widespread problem. According to many insiders, greenies have been as much a part of baseball in the past fifty years as sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco.

“This is an old problem that should’ve been addressed a long time ago,” Selig continued. “We now know that uppers, greenies, whatever you want to call them, have been distributed in clubhouses like M & M’s for decades. Whenever you saw a player in the dugout smashing a Gatorade bucket with his bat, his eyes bugging out and these big, thick veins in his neck, it wasn’t because he was psychotic. It was just the greenies--except for Carl Everett. He’s psychotic. The freak doesn’t even think dinosaurs existed.”

The amphetamine ban passed easily among the league’s owners, who hailed it as a new beginning for major league baseball. The players agreed, but wondered if the change would be for the better.

“You’re definitely going to see a wildly different game,” said one AL outfielder, who asked not to be identified. “Fans don’t realize how much we all counted on those greenies. Ah, greenies. I sure will miss you. I can’t tell you how many ground balls I beat out because my body was convulsing with so much energy that running at a normal pace would’ve caused me to get dizzy and vomit.”

“I do have to hand it to the commissioner, though,” he continued. “Shortening the season was the right thing to do for the players, fans, and the league. 162 games is an eternity. Now we can pace ourselves. I still can’t get used to the idea, though. Baseball without amphetamines is like car racing without beer. It’s like football without tailgating. It’s like the WNBA without lesbian jokes. It’s almost impossible to enjoy one without the other.”

Former major league pitcher and current US senator Jim Bunning played an integral role in the creation of baseball’s new testing policy. He called the rule changes “a victory for baseball” and said fans should expect a radically different style of play in 2006.

“I think when people see how different the game is now it will really hit home how much of an impact these drugs really had,” Bunning said. “For instance, you’re probably not going to see any more bench clearing brawls. You’re not going to see as many home runs either, due to the lack of performance enhancing drugs. So what’s left for baseball fans? Bunting. Hold onto your hats, fans, because we are standing on the precipice of the Golden Age of Small Ball. Be careful what you wish for!”

According to the league office, the season will still end in October but off days will be scattered throughout the schedule, making it easier for ballplayers to sustain a consistent level of focus and intensity. The playoff schedule will not change.

“The way we’re doing it is going to enable the season to last as long as normal, but with rests in between,” said Selig. “That should improve the quality of play. And now we won’t have to hear that cliché about the season being a ‘marathon, not a sprint’ anymore. Now it is sort of like a cross between a marathon and a sprint, which doesn’t make for nearly as good a cliché. So there's one less we have to listen to all year.”