CHICAGO--Fed up with the Korean dictator’s blatant disregard for international law, the Chicago Bears defense, the most feared, hard-hitting defense in the NFL, told Kim Jong Il today to “cut the shit” or they would travel to Korea and rip his head off.

“Kim Jong Il really just needs to cut the shit,” said linebacker Brian Urlacher. “He talks real tough, but we’re not intimidated by him. In fact, if he doesn’t stop with all the nuclear weapons-building, me and a few friends of mine I like to refer to as ‘the Bears defense’ are going to hop on a plane to North Korea or South Korea or wherever the hell he lives and snap his little neck. We will not let him threaten this nation, and we will not let him draw attention away from our undefeated season.”

Defensive tackle Tommie Harris, who has 5 sacks this year, also had a little message for the communist dictator.

“Cease and desist, man. Stop with the games,” Harris said at a press conference Sunday. “You’re threatening global stability. If we have to come over there, little man, it’s not going to be pretty. Blood will be shed. Heads will be slammed in car doors. Just ask JP Losman. We made his life miserable today, and his only crime was that he’s kind of a pretty boy.”

The Bears defense has terrorized the NFL this year, allowing just 7.2 points per game after 5 games. Their roster boasts some of the hardest hitters in the league, such as Urlacher, Harris, and defensive end Alex Brown.

Losman, who left Sunday’s game battered, bruised, and demoralized, wasn’t surprised that the Bears decided to send a message to Kim Jong Il.

“They are an aggressive, in-your-face defense,” Losman said. “I would certainly take them seriously if I was that Korean guy. I mean, I’m not sure how they’d manage to get into the country since its such a reclusive regime, but they did get into our backfield so I guess anything’s possible. Of course, to get into our backfield all you have to do is make a menacing face at the lineman and then walk by him.”

Hours after the Bears warned North Korea, South Koreans officials reported mysterious troops movements near the country’s border. An unidentified South Korean diplomat said the country may be preparing for another nuclear test in order to “flex its muscles” in response to Urlacher’s and Harris’s statements.

“North Korea right now is responding to what it perceives to be aggressive statements by the Chicago Bears defense,” the diplomat said. “They want everybody to know that if the Bears follow through with their threats they have the capability to respond. The situation is now worse than it was before. Thanks a lot, assholes. Maybe you should wait till you've played a few more decent offense before you start making threats.”

Unfortunately, the Bears would not back down from their statements. This time it was linebacker Lance Briggs who threw down the gauntlet.

“Oh, what, they’re going to test another nuclear bomb now? Big deal,” he said. “They barely even got the first test right. You tell that little troll that if he wants to mix it up, we’re ready for him. We don’t back down from anybody. We didn’t back down from the Buffalo Bills, the Seattle Seahawks, or the Minnesota Vikings. And those guys at least had some semblance of a game plan. Well, not the Bills, unless you consider falling down a game plan.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.