CINCINNATI--Frustrated by the recent arrests of linebacker AJ Nicholson and receiver Chris Henry, the Cincinnati Bengals have adopted a tough “Six-Strikes-You’re-Out” rule to deal with players who get in trouble with the law. Henry has been arrested three times so far and is dangerously close to being the first casualty of the new rule. Nicholson, too, is just five arrests from a substantial fine.

“At some point you’ve got to put your foot down, you’ve got to take a stand,” said Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “The players need to know that when they put that uniform on they are representing this organization and this city. That’s why we’ve decided, after a long and careful deliberation, to enact a ‘Six-Strikes-You’re-Out’ rule. Six offenses and you’re getting a fine, whether you’re the star quarterback or some rookie on the practice squad. It’s called ‘tough love.’”

Lewis, who came to the Bengals in 2003, has vowed to change the culture of the Bengals to remove the sense of entitlement that often goes along with being a professional football player. He compares the new rule to a “zero tolerance policy” multiplied by six.

“This is similar to a zero tolerance policy except we do tolerate it up until the sixth time,” Lewis said. “Once you get arrested for that sixth time, watch out. The hammer’s coming down, and it’s coming down on your head. I hope Chris is listening loud and clear to this warning. This is the last straw – the third to last straw, actually. But you’re running out of them. You know what happens when you run out of straws? People go nuts. Just ask that Dunkin Donuts across the street.”

Henry was charged with marijuana possession in December but avoided jail time by agreeing to enter a drug rehab program. In January he was arrested once again and charged with pulling a gun on a group of revelers. Early Sunday morning, he was pulled over by police and charged with speeding and driving under the influence.

Nicholson, on the other hand, had a troubled history coming out of college, but the Bengals took a chance on him when he swore he’d learned his lesson. He was arrested on Saturday and charged with burglarizing the home of a former Florida State teammate.

The Bengals feel that the bad behavior will reflect poorly on their organization and want to “nip the problem in the bud.”

“We just want the players to know that we won’t tolerate this kind of behavior,” said Bengals owner Mike Brown. “I think this sends a message to the team and to the rest of the league that the Cincinnati Bengals are a team of integrity. When you put on that Bengals uniform you have to carry yourselves in a professional, law-abiding manner – especially if you’re some third string receiver or rookie linebacker. Players like that are not above the law.”

For the rest of the Bengals, the “Six-Strikes-You’re-Out” rule could not have come any sooner. Many of them have grown tired of being associated with criminals and have been waiting for management to take some kind of stand.

“It’s about time,” said running back Rudi Johnson. “It’s not really fair to the rest of us to have these guys getting into trouble and giving us a bad name. Still, I do wish they had a gone a bit further than six strikes. I mean it’s a start but that still leaves a lot of wiggle room for these guys. In my opinion if you break the law once you should be off the team. Zero tolerance. Not counting the time I got caught pissing in the bushes behind that strip club.”

Quarterback Carson Palmer, who has undergone grueling rehab in an attempt to come back from ankle surgery, resents his teammates for putting the organization in a bad light.

“I’m over here working my ass off to get back into shape and Chris Henry and some tool from Florida State are making us all look bad,” said Palmer. “We’re supposed to be focused on winning the Super Bowl. Last year we had a bad break, but this year I am on a mission – kind of like Peyton Manning was on a mission with the Colts last year. Okay, maybe not exactly like that.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.