Bears To Pay Benson Entirely In Quarters

CHICAGO--In order to save face and enact some revenge for Cedric Benson’s lengthy hold out, the Chicago Bears have announced plans to pay his entire contract, including the $17 million signing bonus, in quarters. The first shipment of quarters is scheduled to arrive at Benson’s home next Saturday in a large pickup truck. Subsequent shipments will be made on a monthly basis.

When reached for comment, Bears GM Jerry Angelo said the decision was made with the best interests of the organization in mind.

“This is something that’s good for the team, and that’s it,” said Angelo. “We, as an organization, were toyed with and embarrassed for over a month when our number one pick refused to sign our generous contract, and in order to save face we’ve opted to pay him in quarters. He shouldn’t be upset, though. Instead, he should try and collect all 50 state quarters. I’ve got 49 myself. Tell him to let me know if he finds Iowa.”

Angelo hopes the decision to pay Benson in quarters sends a message to other would-be hold outs.

“In the future, any of our draft picks that feel like holding out might think twice about it,” said Angelo. “Nobody wants to be paid in quarters. It’s demeaning and it’s also quite inconvenient. But we’re trying to make an example here with Cedric. We want all would-be hold outs to look at him and say ‘Do I really want to hold out? Do I really want to follow in his footsteps?’ I’m sure most players would come to their senses and accept whatever we offer. Yep, it seems I’ve got this system figured out.”

Benson finally decided to accept the Bears offer after 36 days of holding out. He initially demanded a contract similar to the one that the San Diego Chargers gave to Philip Rivers in 2004. However he was forced to settle for a deal that fell just short.

“I thought I deserved more than they were offering me up front,” Benson told reporters yesterday. “But the longer I held out, the more I felt it was hurting my chances. I wanted to go to camp and help the team. Actually I wanted to help the team without having to go to camp. That’s why I decided to sign the deal just as camp was wrapping up. But that’s not to say I didn’t do any work during my hold out. I actually went through an entire grueling training camp in Madden 2006. It paid off, though. I am now the starting tailback for the New England Patriots.”

When he discovered he was being paid in quarters, Benson was furious.

“I couldn’t believe they would stoop that low,” he said. “That’s childish, really. Now I’m going to have to find a way to deal with all those truckloads of quarters. My only idea is to put them in jars and take them to the supermarket where I can dump them into that machine and get some cash. The machine takes something like 7 percent, so I’m losing money on the deal. I guess the Bears really got me on this one. That’s OK, I’m going to teach them a lesson by being a bust.”

The challenge for Benson now will be assimilating himself onto a team that already has two capable running backs. Angelo and the front office are ready to move on, but are the players? Some say the arrival of Benson will be a distraction.

“Frankly we were doing just fine without him,” said offensive lineman Steve Edwards. “Thomas Jones has been doing a great job at running back, and so has Adrian Peterson. It’s not like we’re desperate or anything. That being said, I don’t agree with the team’s decision to pay him in quarters. That was a big mistake. After all, if you do it for one person, you'll have to do it for everyone.”

Edwards, however, stopped short of saying that Benson wouldn’t be accepted as a member of the team.

“Hey look, if he’s got that Bears uniform on, he’s team, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be any hard feelings. Remember we all went through training camp and he didn’t. We suffered and he didn’t. He avoided the whole thing just by saying that he didn’t like his contract. Imagine that? It got me thinking. I really don’t like my contract. In fact, I’m holding out, as of right now. Wow, it’s so liberating. I feel so free! The world is my oyster! I think I’ll go home and watch some TV.”