NEW YORK--According to a study conducted by USA Today, the mainstream sports media is biased against every single college football team and conference in the nation. The report’s conclusion was based in part on a nationwide poll of college football fans from all walks of life.

“Across the board, it seems that every college football fan in America is outraged over the sports media’s perceived bias against their team,” said Gayle Albright of the media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR). “It’s chilling, really, that in this day and age our writers could have so little journalistic integrity. I’m sure they must know that a well informed populace is crucial to the functioning of a representative democracy. Yet they still act like Notre Dame is all that even though they got the shit kicked out of them by Michigan.”

According to the study, the media is biased against USC because they have been so successful over the past few years. They are also biased against West Virginia because they play in a the Big East, Auburn because they play in the SEC, and against Arkansas because they are not a glamour school like Notre Dame and USC.

Albright admitted that the biases for and against so many teams could be a bit confusing.

“It does get a little tangled up,” she said. “For instance, SEC fans believe there is a bias against their conference that is the result of a different bias in favor of the Big 10 conference. Yet Big 10 fans say that the SEC is clearly a favorite conference among the mainstream media.The interlocking biases create a sense of anxiety and distrust among sports fans. Of course the media could right all this by reporting objectively instead of sucking up to programs they love like USC, Notre Dame, and West Virginia and bashing programs they hate, like USC, Notre Dame, and West Virginia.”

The conclusions of the study were no surprise to the nation’s college football fans, who have been railing against media bias for years. Each week they greet the BCS Rankings with a mixture of shock and horror.

“What? How in the hell did Arkansas land behind Notre Dame?” asked Rback201, a poster on a popular forum dedicated to the SEC. “Arkansas beat Tennessee and Notre Dame beat frigging Air Force. All the Irish do is fatten up on service academies, while the talking heads in the media buy into all the hype just because they’re Notre Dame. I actually think a lot of the teams just let them win in an attempt to drive more qualified SEC teams down in the rankings. They're in cahoots with the media. Someone should do an investigation.”

The bias isn’t limited to large, football factory schools, however. One of this year’s Cinderella teams, the Wake Forest Demon Deacons, also has been victimized by media condescension and hatred.

“When is Wake Forest going to get some recognition from the media morons?” asked 30-year-old “Tim,” a caller on ESPN radio’s The Herd with Colin Cowherd. “They went out and beat Boston College, and still everybody was talking about how Florida State was going to beat the crap out of them. That idiot Lou Holtz said they didn’t have a chance. Well, guess what? They beat Florida State, 30-0. There should be a parade for Wake Forest, today, in Time Square, with ticker tape and everything. Otherwise you might as well just shit on our logo.”

Some members of the media admitted the existence of a bias in their reporting, and apologized for their lack of journalistic objectivity.

“It’s true. We are biased against certain teams and in favor of others,” said Stewart Mandel, whose college football blog on CNNSI.com generates a mountain of hate mail each week. “I just can’t help it. I love USC and Notre Dame and all those cool, big-name glamour programs. I’m so susceptible to hype! However, I should have known better than to reflect that in my column, especially with these sharp, keenly intellectual readers I have.”

“I will try to be more objective from now on,” he added, “but I have to warn you: I do have to make a prediction when it comes time for the national championship game, and I can only pick one team, so please do not threaten to kill me if it’s not your team. You shouldn't have anything to worry about anyway, unless you’re a fan of one of those overrated, crappy Big 10 teams. SEC rules!”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.