ORCHARD PARK, NY--The Buffalo Bills went into this weekend's draft looking to solidify a defense that ranked 29th in the league last year. They weren’t just looking for any defenders, however. They were looking for a special breed of hard-nosed warriors that wouldn’t mind being on the field for an entire game to compensate for an offense that can't string together 2 first downs.

“We set out to shore up our defense and we did just that,” said GM Marv Levy, hired last season to build a championship contender. “ We wanted a guy who has that edge, that attitude that says ‘I don’t want to leave this field. I want to be here for the whole game.’ When you play for this defense, you better be prepared to work, because our offense doesn’t. It’s broken and we’re not fixing it.”

Levy surprised many by selecting safety Donte Whitner with the 8th pick, even though Whitner was projected to go late in the first round. It was especially surprising because quarterbacks Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler were both available there.

“I know a lot of people are going to be upset that we passed on Leinart,” said Levy. “But we’re not going to win a championship with a glamour quarterback like him. Our quarterback, JP Losman, is still in his developmental phase and will eventually be a franchise player. Besides, this is Buffalo. It’s windy as hell here, and Matt Leinart does not have one of those cannon-like arms. I know, Joe Montana didn't either, but he played in San Francisco where there's no wind.”

Levy reached again with his second pick, defensive tackle John McCargo of NC State. McCargo was projected as a second rounder, but the Bills traded up to the 26th spot in the first round to get him.

“That was a pretty good move on our part,” he said. “McCargo is going to surprise a lot of people. I know there were other defensive linemen that were more highly regarded, but I don’t pay attention to what the scouts say. We have our own scouts here and they assured me that these were the right picks. Their track record hasn’t been great the past few years, but I think they’re due to be right about something.”

The Bills currently have three quarterbacks on their roster right now: Losman, Kelly Holcomb, and somebody named Craig Nall. They are committed to rebuilding the defense before addressing the quarterback situation.

When reached for comment, Losman himself said he was surprised by the Bills’ draft moves.

“Well, when I saw Leinart drop down I felt like my time was up here,” he said. “But then they picked up that safety. Then Leinart and Cutler both got taken. It was like getting a stay of execution. I still have a job! Of course I came back down to earth when I remembered that I’ll be spending most of next season at the bottom of a big pile of defenders.”

Head coach Dick Jauron agreed with Levy’s decision to draft for defense. Jauron, like Levy, believes that defense is the key to Super Bowl championships.

“We didn’t make any glamorous picks,” said Jauron, hired in the offseason to replace Mike Mularkey. “But we had to make a decision between fixing our defense and fixing our offense, and we decided to go with defense. I do feel sorry for the defenders we drafted, though, because they’ll never get to go up against our offense. They’ll have to get it out of their system in practice. I just hope they go easy on JP, and Kelly, too, because if we lose those guys we’re looking at Craig Nall, and I honestly don’t even know who that person is.”

According to Wikipedia, Craig Nall is an American football quarterback who plays for the Buffalo Bills of the NFL. He was drafted 0ut of Northwestern Louisiana State University by the Green Bay Packers in 2002.

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.