Bin Laden Comments Posted All Over Pentagon Locker Room

WASHINGTON, DC--An audiotape of Osama Bin Laden that was aired on Al-Jazeera last week has gotten the attention of the Pentagon and provided them with a little bulletin board material. The 50-minute tape, full of boasting and smack talking, seems to have fired up US military officials even more than they already were.

“Hey, that’s fine. If he wants to talk, let him talk. We’re just going to keep our mouths shut and do our jobs,” said one high ranking Pentagon official. “When you hear things like that, it just adds fuel to the fire. I mean, the guy actually had the nerve to say that they’re winning the war in Afghanistan. Is he delusional? We’re kicking ass over there. We’re killing people with remote control airplanes and they’re using rifles that were outdated in the 1980’s. Still, we can’t get any respect.”

The official described the reaction when the Bin Laden comments were posted all over the Pentagon.

“I came into work and there were all these comments posted on the bulletin boards throughout the whole building,” he said. “I just punched the wall and yelled ‘Motherfucker! He can’t hang with us!’ Then everybody gathered around in a circle and started jumping up and down. At that point we just wanted to bomb somebody, anybody. We actually came very close to doing so before one of our superiors came in and calmed us down. If I was Spain, I’d be sending that guy a thank-you note right now.”

Publicly, the Pentagon downplayed the trash talk, and chose to take the high road when it came to responding to it.

“Hey, there’s no question that he’s tough,” said Pentagon spokesman Lawrence Di Rita. “He wouldn't be in the position he's in if he wasn't. We've definitely got our work cut out for us here. But we believe in ourselves. Eventually we will capture him. And when we do, he won’t be taking any more smack. He’ll be singing ‘God Bless America’ with a pack of rabid pit bulls snapping at his feet.”

The comments made it all the way up the White House, where President Bush and his staff analyzed the tape last Thursday. According to spokesman Scott McClellan, Bin Laden’s trash talking irritated the President, and he ordered the comments posted on every bulletin board in the White House.

“That’s some classic bulletin board material,” McClellan told reporters yesterday. “When the President heard those comments, he was extremely irritated. Still, he’s not going to respond. He won’t take the bait. We’ll do our talking on the battlefield. Remember, no matter how many tapes they release, no matter how tough they seem, we’re still going to come out on top. Why? We have airplanes. As a general rule of thumb, if there’s a war, always bet on the side that can fly.”

After the audiotape aired, many members of Al Qaeda tried to distance themselves from the comments. This isn’t the first time Bin Laden has run his mouth off, and some of the mujadeen are growing tired of the constant smack talking from he and his second in command, Ayman Zawahiri.

“This puts us all in a really awkward position. I mean, we are the ones who have to do the fighting, here,” said an Al Qaeda commander in Pakistan, who asked not to be identified. “I admire his confidence, but saying things like that only helps the opposition. Didn’t he see what happened to the Bears last week? Hello? They talked smack all week about the Panthers and then proceeded to get lit up during the game. That is what happens when you talk smack. Of course, if that was us, we would’ve at least been smart enough to cover Steve Smith.”