DALLAS--The NFL announced today that because of a new blackout rule, fans attending the Packers-Cowboys game at Texas Stadium will not be able to watch it. Instead, they will listen to a radio broadcast of the game over the stadium loudspeakers.

In order to prevent unlawful viewing, a large, black sheet will be hung between the fans and the field.

“We have our rules, and unfortunately they prevent a certain segment of the fans from seeing this game,” commissioner Roger Goodell said on Tuesday. “Basically if you’re not watching it on the NFL Network, you’re not watching it. Of course, you can still go to the game, but you can’t actually see it being played. That wouldn't be fair to the rest of the country. ”

In addition to the radio broadcast, fans at the game will also be treated to highlights during halftime, when the black sheet will be briefly raised.

“It’s still going to be a fun time for the fans,” Goodell said. “They’re going to get that crystal clear radio broadcast booming in their ears, and at halftime they’ll get game highlights, analysis and real time scoring updates. Just whatever you do, don’t try and peek past the black sheet. You will get tasered. The NFL will do whatever it can to protect itself from piracy.”

The commissioner did wish to clarify, however, that both players and coaches would be allowed to watch the game free of charge.

“The players and coaches will be granted an exemption,” Goodell said. “They are playing in the game so it would be difficult for them not to watch it. I really hope they appreciate this. Watching these games is a privilege, not a right.”

The airing of live games on the NFL Network has been the source of much controversy in recent weeks. Since most cable companies refuse to carry the network, many fans will be unable to watch games broadcast exclusively on it. The NFL blames the cable companies for refusing to carry it, while the cable companies are blaming the NFL for overcharging for the service.

“They want to charge us for games we were airing for free last year,” said Time Warner spokesman Mark Harrod. “And they’re depriving everyone the ability to watch some great match-ups, just to pressure us into making a deal with them. It’s like extortion. As a spokesman for a cable company I only have one thing to say: that’s kind of awesome. I mean, no offense to the fans but they’re just begging to be screwed over.”

Meanwhile, fans holding tickets to Thursday’s game are furious that they will not be able to watch it from their high-priced seats.

“If I’m buying a ticket and going to the game I should be able to watch it,” said Steve Hunt, 32, who paid $1200 to purchase a ticket online. “I don’t care about the NFL Network. I don’t care about some stupid power struggle between the league and the cable companies. I don’t even care about the final score. All I care about is getting as drunk as possible! Oh, I can do that anyway? So what the hell is everybody complaining about?”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.