Vicious Bleacher Fight Throwback To More Innocent Time

PHILADELPHIA--A vicious, drunken brawl, which broke out between Phillies and Mets fans at Citizens Bank Park, was a throwback to a more innocent time when bleacher sections were populated by drunken, angry poor people, witnesses reported.

“Wow, I haven’t seen a fight like that in a while,” said Frank Curry, 63, who sat nearby. “There were these two rows of Mets fans who were yapping about what a fag Chase Utley is, then a bunch of Philly fans just started whaling on them. Beer was flying everywhere. It kind of reminded me of the old days at Veterans Stadium where that kind of shit happened every day. Now everything is so sanitized and family-friendly. You just don’t get losers like that at baseball games anymore.”

Another witness said that the fight brought her “right back to the 70’s.”

“The way everybody was so drunk and angry and bent on hurting each other, it reminded me of the 70’s,” said 58-year-old Susan Tresco. “Back then bleacher tickets were like five bucks, you stuffed your pockets with beer and joints before the game and you looked for fans of the opposing team and started throwing shit at them. If you couldn’t find any, you started fights with the home fans.”

The bad blood between Mets and Phillies fans goes back generations. Even though the Phillies now play in a tiny little ballpark named after a bank, there’s still a chance of fisticuffs when the hated Mets come to town.

“Fights do break out from time to time, but they require a perfect storm of beer, testosterone, divisional rivals, and complete assholes,” said Citizens Bank Park head of security Leonard McKey. “Tonight, we had that perfect storm. Still, it wasn’t like the fights of old. It was more of a party atmosphere. It was like people were saying ‘Yes! I’m in a ballpark fight! I’ve heard about these before. Perhaps I’ll get on Youtube.’ In my day, we did it for the love of hurting people, but that was a more innocent time.”

Experts say that the lack of violence at modern ballparks can be attributed to several factors, such as the high prices of tickets, the replacing of uncomfortable benches with box seats, and increased security presence.

Also, today’s baseball fans, for the most part, are enormous pussies.

“Things have changed a lot,” said Fran Montross, author of Ballparks Throughout History. “In the old days you were taking your life into your hands by going to certain ballparks and sitting in the bleachers, which were these awful metal benches that were completely bereft of any security presence. You could smoke a bone, have sex, and kill somebody without even being noticed. Nowadays if you drop a paper cup you get tasered by storm troopers. I guess Robert Frost was right when he said ‘Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy.”

The incident at Citizens Bank Park has prompted team officials to take extra security precautions, including the halting of beer sales after the third inning and the expulsion of any fan who uses a curse word.

“Of course now we have to crack down because we have to make sure this never, ever happens again,” said McKey. “That would hurt our image as a family-friendly ballpark. So no more curse words, and that includes ‘darn’ and ‘hell,’ and yes, ‘bitch.’ Oh, and no more beer after the third inning. That may sound a little over the top considering the amount of money we make off beer sales, but we’re going to compensate for it by allowing people to buy fifteen at a time.”

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