BOISE, ID--Boise State head coach Chris Petersen, whose team stunned the Oklahoma Sooners in Monday’s Fiesta Bowl, is now one step closer to getting the hell out of Boise. Petersen led his team to an undefeated season in his first year, and sources close to the young coach say is hoping to parlay that success into a job with a big name program.

“Well, Chris is as good as gone at Boise State,” said a source close to the Petersen family. “He loves coaching there, but his dream is to land a job at a big time football factory like Miami, USC, Alabama, or even Oklahoma. In fact, he’s already practicing his denials. So if you hear him say ‘I’m committed to staying here for many years,’ you’ll know for sure that he is in negotiations for another job. If he issues a second denial, that means he’s about to sign the contract. If he says ‘For the last time, I’m not interested’ that means he’s sitting in his new office preparing for the upcoming season.”

Publicly, however, Petersen remains fiercely loyal to Boise State and claimed Monday that he wants to stay there for years to come and build the program into one of the strongest in the country.

“I love it here. This is really the ideal situation for me,” Petersen said after the win. “I want to stay here and build this program into something special. So if any other school is thinking about contacting me, forget about it. I’ll be here as long as they’ll let me stay. And by ‘let me stay’ I mean ‘outbid all other suitors.’ Obviously if someone offers me more money I’ll have no choice but to leave. Sometimes your hands are just tied.”

Big time programs routinely look to mid major schools for up-and-coming coaches eager to jump ship. So far, nobody has contacted Petersen, but observers say it’s only a matter of time.

In a move that some view as a preemptive strike, Boise State officials have decided to meet with Petersen and work out a contract extension with a substantial pay raise.

“We are planning to reward coach Petersen for the great job he did this year,” BSU president Bob Kustra said. “Chris is just the perfect coach for this team. He’s a gentleman off the field, too, and a wonderful member of the community. He also dresses nicely. And I like his hair. And…I don’t know. It’s exhausting having to kiss ass like this, but it will pay off. I believe our loyalty will make coach Petersen want to stay here until he retires. I believe in unicorns, too. I saw one this morning in my kitchen.”

According to Kustra, the biggest selling points at Boise State are the fans and the community.

“This is the kind of place a coach can really feel at home,” he said. “The community and fans will treat you with warmth and kindness no matter how you perform on the field. Why would anyone want to leave here to go to some shithole like Tuscaloosa or Miami? Those people aren’t blue collar, salt-of-the-earth types. They’re dickheads.”

Boise State players say they understand the business aspect of the game and won’t pass judgment on their coach should he decide to go elsewhere.

“Obviously when you have this kind of success the big schools are going to come calling,” said tailback Ian Johnson. “If and when that happens, we’ll respect coach Petersen’s decision, whatever it may be. Personally I think he’s going to stick around for a while. He’s getting a pretty hefty raise and will have the run of this place for as long as he wants. Why would somebody leave all that for some depressing, demanding job at a big football factory? Because all coaches are egomaniacs? Yes, that's why. Dan Hawkins used to be an egomaniac, too. I wonder how that’s working out for him.”   

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.