Bonds Raises Suspicion By Launching Own Line Of Masking Agents

SAN FRANCISCO--The cloud of suspicion around Barry Bonds grew even larger today after the slugger announced he was launching his own line of designer steroid masking agents. The new line, dubbed “The Barry Bonds Collection” will be available for purchase on his website.

“Hmm…this is an awfully ominous sign,” said ESPN’s Pedro Gomez. “He must know a lot about masking agents if he’s launching his own line. In fact, one of the more expensive ones says ‘Guaranteed to mask the steroids in your bloodstream during major league baseball drug tests.’ That’s not very discreet. It’s almost like he wants to get caught. And I’ve always wanted to be the one to catch him. So consider this an exclusive: Bonds is on steroids. Woohoo! I’m a real reporter.”

Bonds himself continues to deny using steroids. He says his new line of products is nothing more than a business venture.

“What, I can go out and make a few bucks on the side now?” he asked reporters at the Giants practice facility. “Why is everything I do under such scrutiny? I try to play baseball, just play baseball, and I’m under a microscope having all these ridiculous accusations thrown at me. Then I get an idea for a new business venture and, of course, the media has to vilify me for that. These masking agents are perfectly legal and can help a person beat a steroid test. What, is that wrong now? It is? Oh, well I guess I can see your point then.”

Bonds also said that he would never use the masking agents himself and that they were solely for the benefit of other players.

“Hey, I would never use these things myself because I don’t do steroids,” he said. “I just wanted to offer some help to players who do steroids and need something to cover it up. These new masking agents are inexpensive, easy to use, and perfectly safe. I just sold a truckload to Sammy Sosa yesterday. Today, he was back for another truckload. I heard when the doctors took his urine test, they couldn’t even find the urine.”

Major league baseball officials said they are aware of the situation and monitoring it closely. However, they have no plans to take disciplinary action against Bonds.

“Of course we’re aware of the situation,” said MLB spokesman Rich Levin. “We are monitoring it every day just like we’ve been doing all along. There’s nothing we can do about it. He’s never tested positive and we’ve never actually seen him injecting them. You might think this is the smoking gun, but it’s not. We’ve never found a smoking gun. Well, there was that one time when a security guard found an actual smoking gun in his locker along with some bloodstained clothing, but that really had nothing to do with steroids.”

The new masking agents have been selling like hot cakes. Sources say that over 3,000 orders were filled in the first day alone, though no major league ballplayer has admitted to purchasing them. In fact, the players union immediately condemned Bonds’ for his business venture.

“We do not support the selling or buying of masking agents or any other steroid related paraphernalia,” said union head Donald Fehr. “What Mr. Bonds is doing is contrary to the stance the union has taken on steroids. We just wanted to clarify that. We are against steroids and have been ever since a couple months ago, when we found out that they made your muscles bigger.”

Despite the controversy, Bonds has no plans to stop selling his designer masking agents.

“Stop selling them? Why? I’m doing something perfectly legal,” he said. “Just because I’m selling masking agents doesn’t mean I take them myself, although I must say that my most expensive masking agent ‘The Eliminator’ does do a great job of masking THG. In fact, I’m loaded up on THG right now and if someone took my urine they wouldn’t suspect a damn thing. Oh shit. I bet someone’s going to take that quote out of context now and use it to portray me as some kind of steroid abuser, right? You guys have no shame at all.”