SAN FRANCISCO--Barry Bonds may have been jealous of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa during the 1998 home run chase, but he need not be jealous anymore, as his current steroid scandal is much more entertaining than their stupid home run race.

“Barry Bonds has truly become a pop culture phenomenon,” said ESPN’s Jayson Stark. “This steroid scandal is the biggest thing to hit baseball since, well, since that home run chase with McGwire and Sosa. That was fun, but this – this is just extraordinary. It’s colossal. It’s spectacular. For years, Barry Bonds was overshadowed by Mark McGwire, and now the tables are turned. This must be sweet vindication for him.”

The Bonds story became a national sensation after the book Game of Shadows was released. The book, written by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, contains court documents, testimony, and eyewitness accounts about Bonds’ alleged steroid use that paint a picture of a chronic user driven by jealousy and arrogance.

Upon it’s release, Bonds’ attorneys attempted to block the profits from the book, claiming that the court documents were obtained illegally.

“They’re not even claiming that the allegations are false. They’re just claiming that they obtained the evidence illegally,” said Stark. “Isn’t that funny? It’s like he totally did it. It’s all true. This is like All the President’s Men. It’s a bombshell. Thank God for those two writers. Thank God for Barry Bonds. Thank God for steroids. Thank God we have something more exciting to talk about than two big-headed dummies and their fake home run chase.”

The story has so captured the hearts of the nation that ESPN is filming a reality TV show centered around Bonds. The cameras will follow him around during the 2006 season and shed light on his personal life as well as his life in the Giants clubhouse. It will also chronicle his quest to break Hank Aaron’s career home run record.

“If that record gets broken, holy shit, we’re talking the scandal of the century,” said Mike Tollin, producer of the Bonds reality show. “How will baseball react to it? What would Selig do? Would there be an asterisk next his name in the record books? Ahhh, this is so awesome! This is like Watergate, the Iran-Contra affair, and the Teapot Dome Scandal all rolled up into one – except I don’t really know what the Teapot Dome scandal was. I’m just assuming it was really interesting.”

As a result of the scandal Bonds has become the most famous athlete in America, in contrast to Mark McGwire, who faded into oblivion following his testimony at congressional steroid hearings. Sosa attempted to play baseball this year but could not find a team willing to give him the chance. That’s a dramatic fall for someone who hit 64 home runs just 5 years ago.

“After all that’s happened, Bonds is the last one standing, and that’s all he ever really wanted,” said Tollin. “Move over Mark McGwire. Nobody cares about your lily-white ass anymore. It’s all about Bonds now. He’s the one everyone’s buzzing about and he is the one who is giving the fans of Major League Baseball so much joy these days. And he’s done it all without ever having to bear hug Sammy Sosa on national television, which, let’s face it, seems a little creepy in retrospect.”

Game of Shadows implicates several other professional athletes besides Bonds, including Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffield, but it seems that the only person anyone cares about is Bonds. In fact, Commissioner Selig has hinted that Major League Baseball might launch an investigation into Bonds.

Said Selig: “It’s possible. It’s something we’re considering. After all that’s been said there is certainly strong evidence to suggest Bonds is guilty. I do agree that’s it’s rather ironic that Bonds was jealous of all the attention McGwire and Sosa were getting and is now getting way more attention than they ever got, but for all the wrong reasons. I appreciate that irony, but what I really appreciate is the fact that it’s taking a load of attention away from me.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.