Thousands Line Streets Of Boston To Celebrate Aaron Boone’s Knee Injury

BOSTON, MA- From Copley Square to City Hall Plaza, New Englanders lined the streets of Boston to celebrate the torn knee ligament of the Yankees Aaron Boone. Boone, who hit the winning home run against the Red Sox in Game 7 of the American League Championship Series, injured his knee while playing basketball and may miss the entire season. When the news broke, city officials immediately began planning for a celebration. Mayor Tom Menino declared Tuesday, Feb. 3 “Torn ACL Day” and invited New Englanders to come to the city and join the party.

“This is a great day for the Red Sox and for the people of New England,” Menino said in a press conference on Monday. “Aaron Boone has stupidly violated his contract with the New York Yankees by playing basketball, and as a result, has torn his ACL, rendering his entire season in doubt. Since he is a Yankee, and he is the person who broke our hearts last year, we will celebrate his misfortune with an all-out bash. Take the day off from work, play hookie from school, and hit the streets to revel in this monumentally awesome development.”

The fans didn't disappoint, as city officials estimated the crowd to be close to one million, which makes it the largest victory celebration ever held in the city.

Downtown Boston was decorated with bright lights, banners, and colorful signs. Confetti streamed out of office windows down to the teeming street below. David Sorley, a 41-year-old plumber from Lexington, made the shirts in his basement and has already sold over ten thousand.

“I just got a copy of the X-ray off the Internet and got this great idea to make a shirt out of it,” said Sorley, from his T-shirt stand in Government Center. “I gave one to my son and my wife, then I decided to make thousands of them and try to sell ‘em. It’s just such a wonderful day for all Bostonians; it’s appropriate for us to wear attire that shows our appreciation for the unbelievably hilarious news that Aaron Boone will be gone for the season. Talk about poetic justice. Good riddance, pal.”

The Yanks got the news of Boone’s injury last week when doctors informed them he had injured his knee in a “non-baseball related mishap.” When Boone admitted he was playing basketball, the team immediately pointed out that his contract strictly forbids playing basketball. The player’s actions have riled George Steinbrenner, and Boone’s future with the team is in doubt.

While fans in New York lamented the news, Bostonians were jubilant.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” said Jill Keeler of Dorchester, MA. “There’s gotta be a million people here at least. It’s such a great party. My two kids just got their faces painted by this cute little clown, and now we’re off to ride the ferris wheel. Later Aerosmith is performing. So I guess things are just getting warmed up.”

The festivities began at 11 am with a speech from Sox GM Theo Epstein.

“I just want to say that this is a wonderful day in the history of Boston,” began an emotional Epstein from the podium in City Hall Plaza . “I am humbly honored to be here in front of the greatest fans in the world on this, the day of our greatest triumph. I told myself I wouldn’t cry but…but…I’m sorry. I just can’t get over the fact that the royal prick was stupid enough to tear his ACL playing basketball. It almost seems to good to be true, but its not. It’s true, Boston. You gotta believe baby!!”

The crowd responded with an enthusiastic ovation.

In addition to Espstein’s speech, several Red Sox players spoke to the fans. Fan favorite Kevin Millar led the crowd in a raucous chant of “Cowboy Up”, and rightfielder Trot Nixon called it “one of the greatest days of his life.”

Other festivities of the day included games, prizes, amusement park rides, and even some old fashioned cotton candy. Children were treated to balloons, clowns, and free pony rides.

“This day really is for children,” said Menino. “The joy in a child’s eyes when a Yankees player suffers a serious, debilitating injury is a wonder to behold. I hope they enjoy this day and remember it for the rest of their lives. Think about it: The guy who broke our hearts just broke his knee. Oooo. I like that. We should put that on a T-shirt.”

The celebration reached its peak when Aerosmith took to a makeshift stage near Boston’s Fanuiel Hall. Lead singer Steven Tyler, bedecked in colorful scarves, jeans and a Red Sox T-shirt, began the show by greeting the enormous crowd:

“Happy Torn ACL Day, first of all,” Tyler began, yelling to be heard over thousands of screaming Bostonians. “I just wanna say that I’ve had a long and exciting career. I’ve seen it all – the highs, the lows, the in-betweens – but this is, without question, the greatest day of my life. Aaron Boone is down! Can I hear you, Boston? Let’s here it, baby!!”

The crowd obliged with a hearty roar and Tyler continued: “We’re gonna party here with you people all night. I wanna here some noise, and here’s to hoping that sonofabitch will never play another game of baseball again! Here’s to crippling injuries!”