COLUMBUS, OH--The Ohio State Buckeyes routed the Minnesota Gophers on Saturday 44-0 to improve their record to 9-0 and solidify their reputation as the strongest team in the country. There is one drawback, however, to being head and shoulders above the competition every week: Boredom. That’s why the Buckeyes have decided to spice things up a bit by playing their next game drunk.

“As one of the greatest teams in the history of sports, it can be difficult to stay in the right mind set week in and week out,” said quarterback Troy Smith. “You always have to be on guard against boredom and complacency. That’s why I came up with the idea of getting totally shitfaced before our next game. It will make things more challenging for us because we’ll have to worry about things like standing up straight and not pissing our pants. Plus, when you’re drunk it’s harder to navigate through the maze of downed defenders while walking into the end zone.”

Smith is suggesting that his teammates “front-load” prior to the game with hard liquor mixed with energy drinks and then continue the binge at halftime with beer.

“You know what they say: beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, never fear,” said Smith. “So obviously our best option is to start with the hard stuff and then coast through the second half on 10 or 11 beers. Hopefully our drunkenness will provide somewhat of an advantage to the other team. Who are we playing again? Illinois? Oh, well, maybe not then. I mean, you can only get so drunk. I don’t want to end up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped for this.”

On Monday, a group of Buckeyes approached coach Jim Tressell to bounce the idea off him. While Tressell disapproved of the idea, he said he trusts his players and would not stand in their way.

“I can’t say that it’s something I approve of,” said Tressell. “But these guys have done everything I’ve asked them to do all year and if they want to have a little fun then I suppose I shouldn’t stand in their way. They are responsible kids. I just hope Troy realizes what’s at stake here. One lousy performance can mean the difference between going in the late fifth round of the draft and the early sixth.”

Athletic director Gene Smith also grudgingly approved the idea, but warned that only players who are over the age of 21 should participate, citing the university’s strict policy against underage drinking.

Players acknowledged Smith’s statement but said it would have “no effect” on their actions next Saturday.

“Ha. No underage drinking. Now that’s funny,” said running back Antonio Pittman. “Ohio State is to underage drinking what Florida State is to belly shirts and low grade point averages. Has Gene been to one of our games recently? Has he observed the behavior of the student section? Those people are underage, and they’re stinking drunk. It’s part of the tradition here. Some of them even go to class drunk, which even I find a little excessive. I mean going to class, of course. Not getting drunk.”

While some may find it funny that the Buckeyes plan to get drunk before Saturday’s game, there is one group of people that's not amused: the Fighting Illini football team. Ohio State’s shameless arrogance has provided the underdogs with the perfect bulletin board material.

“That kind of thing just adds fuel to the fire,” said head coach Ron Zook. “Before, my players were just looking to avoid injury and keep the margin of victory in the double digits. Now we’re looking to cover the point spread. I know, it sounds absurd, but anything can happen. Either way I’ll be happy, though. You know why? I’ll be getting shitfaced before the game. Hey, it’s not just the Buckeyes that are going to be bored out there.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.