Bobby Bowden Not Even Pretending To Coach Anymore

TALLAHASSEE, FL--76-year-old Bobby Bowden has been coach of the Florida State Seminoles for 30 years. During his tenure, he has won two national championships and earned the nickname “Riverboat Gambler” because of his creative, innovative game plans. These days, however, Bowden leaves the game planning to his assistants, and spends his time strolling along the sidelines as a casual observer.

“I don’t feel like I need to be as hands-on as I used to be,” said Bowden, after the team’s 34-7 loss to the Florida Gators. “In the old days everything started and stopped with me, but now I have a good staff of assistants. Real dependable guys. Hell, I don’t need to wear no headsets or crazy microphones during games. I don’t have to do jack shit. I can just stand there and read the paper if I want. Or better yet, have one of my assistants read it for me.”

In the old days, Bowden would attempt to look busy during games. Now he doesn’t even bother trying to fake it.

“I’ve got nothing more to prove. I don’t need to act like a hero or something,” said Bowden. “I’ve accomplished just about everything I wanted to. Now it’s Bobby time. I’m going to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. And if anything goes wrong, I’ll gather my assistants in my office, sit them down and say ‘fix it.’ If they don’t, I can always hire someone else. That, my friends, is called delegating.”

Bowden currently has a dozen assistant coaches on his staff. Every facet of the game, no matter how small, is controlled by someone other than Bowden. That’s what makes him such a genius, his coaches say.

“Coach Bowden really has done a great job of distributing the work here. That’s what he’s known for,” said Mark McHale, offensive line coach. “I mean, we have a coach for every single position. Bobby—he just oversees things. Although I heard next year he’s going to hire somebody else to oversee things. Then he can just oversee the overseer. The truth is that coach Bowden actually retired five years ago.”

During last week’s loss against Florida, witnesses reported that Bowden was only on the sidelines for about half the game. The rest of the time he was in his office watching it on television. Perhaps what’s most telling is that nobody on the team noticed he was gone.

“He was gone? Coach Bowden? Wow I had no idea,” said running back Leon Washington. “Not that I actually bothered looking. If I have any questions I just go to the offensive coordinator, Jeff [Bowden]. I don’t think I’ve talked to coach Bowden in weeks. Coach Bowden…is that the older guy with the dark hair? No, that’s our running backs coach, Billy Sexton. I guess I’ve never actually talked to coach Bowden. If you see him, tell him Leon Washington sends his best.”

Bowden remains a fan favorite in Tallahassee and one of the most respected coaches in the nation. A statue of his likeness stands outside Doak Campbell Stadium. After all he’s accomplished, most people feel he’s earned the right to pass his duties off to his assistant coaches.

“Oh, everyone knows that Bobby doesn’t do shit, but it’s OK. He’s earned that right,” said one ACC official “Joe Paterno does the same thing. He just runs around screaming at people. Still, I’d take either one of those guys over most of the young coaches out there today. I mean, Urban Meyer? Gimme a break. That guy has the charm and charisma of a cinder block. Plus, he’s not loyal. Does anybody really think that guy is going to stay in Florida if he wins a national championship? Keep dreaming, suckers.”

At 76-years old, retirement isn’t far away for coach Bowden, but he doesn’t plan to go out quietly. The Riverboat Gambler is hoping for one more title before he calls it quits.

“I still think we can win one more,” he said. “We got the personnel, we got the coaching staff, and we can recruit. Shit I’m still a great recruiter. I usually bring one of my assistants with me and he sits and talks to the family, and every once in a while he turns back and says ‘Isn’t that right, coach?’ and I say ‘Yep,’ in my trademark southern drawl. Then I lie down on the couch and take a nap. Jesus, I get tired just thinking about it. I think I might take a nap right now. Better yet, I’ll have one of my assistants take one for me. I’ve got some TV to watch.”