SOUTH BEND, IN--Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn threw for 315 yards in a win against UCLA on Saturday, culminating in a 45-yard touchdown pass with 30 seconds left to give his team the victory. His performance was witnessed by a handful of NFL scouts, including one from the Oakland Raiders, who are considered favorites to draft Quinn. After the game, Quinn assured the Raiders scout that he's not that good.

“I’m actually pretty overrated,” Quinn told the scout, Ray McCloughan. “You hear a lot about me being this golden boy quarterback, but it’s really just a bunch of media hype. It’s all part of the pro- Notre Dame bias that’s so prevalent in the media. If I’m Oakland, I’m drafting Troy Smith. He can beat you in so many different ways. He’s not a one trick pony like me. Also, if they pick me I'll refuse to sign with them. So there’s two strikes against me right there.”

McCloughan disagreed with Quinn’s assessment, and said the Raiders would love to have a player of his caliber on the team.

“Obviously any team would love to have a player like Brady Quinn,” said McCloughan. “We haven’t made any decisions on who we’re going to draft, but I have to say I’m very impressed with his poise. As far as him not wanting to play for us, it’s disappointing, but it's not a deal breaker. If we took that into consideration every time we drafted someone we wouldn't have any players at all. ”

Quinn said he didn’t want to engage in a prolonged legal battle with the Raiders, which would be inevitable if they drafted him. Instead, he recommends the Raiders choose one of the many superior players available.

“You’ve got Troy Smith, who’s probably the best quarterback in college football right now,” Quinn said. “You’ve got Adrian Peterson, whose toughness would be a great addition to any team, and you’ve got the dazzling Ted Ginn Jr.  Me? I’m just a dime a dozen quarterback. I can make some throws but I’m not going to win you a Super Bowl. Plus I have a lot of nagging injuries nobody knows about. And I’m an alcoholic. And I like to pick up teenage girls on the internet.”

The Raiders, a hapless team that is likely to wind up with the number one pick in the 2007 draft, are said to be eyeing several players, including Ginn Jr and West Virginia’s Steve Slaton. Both players said they’d be willing to play for the Silver and Black.

“Of course I would play for the Raiders,” said Slaton, one of the front runners for the Heisman Trophy. “They have such a great history. I can’t imagine somebody turning these guys down. I know they’re struggling right now, but this kind of thing is cyclical. Give it a couple more years and the Raiders will be right back to being mediocre again. That's going to be an exciting day in Raider Nation. I just hope I can be a part of it.”

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis doesn’t care what team drafts his star quarterback. He just wants Quinn to stay focused on next week’s opponent and put thoughts about his future on the back burner.

“I could give two shits who drafts Brady. What I need from him is a laser like focus on the task at hand,” said Weis. “I always tell him, it doesn’t matter which team drafts you. You go to the team that picks you, you get your signing bonus, and you go through the motions. If you’re successful, great. If not, you can still make a good living somewhere as a backup quarterback. And when you become an aging, ineffective backup quarterback, you can always find work with the Raiders. So either way, he’s probably going to end up in Oakland.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.