MIAMI--A vicious sideline-clearing brawl broke out in the third quarter of a game between Florida-International and the Miami Hurricanes Saturday, resulting in the suspension of 31 players. The thrilling, heart-stopping melee featured beatings, stompings, helmet-swinging, and even the use of a crutch as a weapon, marring an otherwise lame 35-0 rout by the Hurricanes.

Fans in attendance were shocked and entertained by the violent carnage.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before,” said 19-year-old FIU sophomore Jenn Ferrell. “I think it all started when one of our guys tackled Miami’s holder after an extra point. Then it just snowballed. I saw one player bludgeoning another player with a helmet, and I saw three Miami guys stomping on one of our guys while he was on the ground. Oh my God it was so awesome. It was kind of like what a baseball fight would be like, if baseball was played by guys who should be in jail.”

‘Canes fan in attendance were also stunned by the display of hatred and brutality.

“Holy shit. I can’t believe what I just saw,” said Miami junior Derrick Jentz, 20. “It was total chaos. People were actually trying to hurt each other, and in some cases, kill each other. This is a black eye for college football. It's also the single greatest game I’ve ever attended in my life. Whenever the term ‘black eye for college football’ is applied, that usually means something awesome happened.”

Prior to the fight, the game was filled with pushing and shoving, but nothing good until Miami’s James Bryant scored a third quarter touchdown and bowed to the FIU crowd, earning a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. On the ensuing point after attempt, an FIU player delivered a cheap shot against Miami holder Matt Perrelli. Soon after, the brawl was underway.

Hurricane players blamed Florida International for the fight.

“Hey, we were just defending ourselves,” said quarterback Kyle Wright. “They’re the ones that started it. They were trash talking us the whole game, then they made that cheap shot on Perrelli. We were shocked. A cheap shot? Who do they think they are, us? We will deliver the cheap shots and we will do the trash talking, and we will do the stomping on people. We had to send that message to FIU. Now we’ve got our swagger back, which will serve us well in the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl.”

After the fight, both coaches apologized for their players’ actions. Miami coach Larry Coker called the incident “disgraceful” and promptly suspended eight players who were involved in the fracas.

“There’s no excuse for that kind of thing,” said Coker. “I don’t care who started it. All I know is that it should never have been taken that far. There was one guy out there beating people with a crutch. That’s just sick. I mean, I suppose it was cool in a visceral, adrenaline pumping sort of way, but it’s still bad for the game. Everybody knows fans don't like violence and bloodshed. That kind of thing just drives them away.”

Florida International suspended 18 players after the fight. A tiny school from the Sun Belt Conference, FIU felt a game against the Hurricanes, their South Florida neighbors, would help create a friendly rivalry. Now they’re having second thought about ever playing the Hurricanes again.

“This was supposed to be a friendly rivalry between two teams in the same region,” said coach Don Strock. “Nobody had any idea it would turn out like this. We’re not even in the same league as those guys. They recruit players from all over the country, while we recruit players from our own campus. Of course, both teams are to blame for this fiasco. We just didn’t expect Miami to be such assholes. Did you see that guy bowing to the crowd after the touchdown? Dude, we’re like a high school team. Get a clue. That would be like someone from Ohio State taking a bow after scoring a touchdown against the Hurricanes.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.