Kobe Bryant To Resume Cheating On His Wife

LOS ANGELES--Kobe Bryant announced through his agent today that he would resume cheating on his wife now that the rape charges had been dropped. Now a free man, Bryant will end his year long stretch of celibacy and hopes to be back in full swing in a matter of days. The Lakers star said he was relieved to be able to sleep around again.

“It’s been a long, dark journey for me and my family,” said Bryant. “When this all happened a year ago, I had no idea that it would last this long or be this painful. I have made great sacrifices for my wife, Vanessa, including the gift of fidelity for the duration of this difficult period. Now that period is over and I feel like I owe it to myself to resume cheating on my wife. She is in complete agreement, of course. What other choice does she have?”

Vanessa released her own statement, supporting her husband’s decision.

“I want to thank my husband for his continued loyalty and monogamy during this most difficult time in our lives. His unselfishness has been an inspiration to me and I fully support his decision to resume cheating on me on a regular basis. I just hope he gets the girls' permission this time.”

When Bryant was first arrested for sexual assault in July of 2003, he immediately came forward to pronounce his innocence. Thought he admitted to committing adultery, he and his defense team insisted that the sex was consensual. After a long and grueling year of conflicting stories, controversial decisions, and media hysteria, the charges were dropped after the accuser informed the prosecution she would not be testifying. Though a civil trial still looms, Bryant can rest easy knowing he’s a free man and his long, personal nightmare is over.

ESPN basketball analyst Jim Gray credited Bryant’s selflessness and discipline with helping him endure twelve months of marital fidelity.

“You can only imagine what Kobe was going through all this time,” said Gray, during an interview on Sportscenter. “Here’s a man who can get pussy just walking down the street, and he had to stay loyal to his wife for all those cold, dark months. To accomplish that he had to put his wife and family’s interest above his own, and that is a true mark of a remarkable individual. I don’t know what happened in that hotel room in Eagle Colorado and frankly, I don’t care. Why does every encounter have to be consensual, anyway? It’s like living in a goddamn police state.”

Some analysts have suggested that Bryant wait until after the civil trial to start having extra marital relations again. If he begins now, it may influence the opinions of potential jurors. Also, committing rampant, public adultery could affect his ability to get endorsements.

“I would advise Kobe to avoid engaging in sex acts with hookers, strippers, and groupies,” said Darren Rovell, ESPN business analyst. “This especially holds true for public places. It could be very damaging to his image if he is seen engaging in this kind of behavior after a rape trial. If I were him, I would do it privately, in a dark basement or dungeon with chains hanging from the wall, assorted whips, and a 300-pound dominatrix named Jade. Or he could just, um… get a hotel.”

Though Bryant lost all of his endorsements after he was arrested, he is likely to get most of them back now that he has been exonerated. Whether or not he wins the civil case, companies like Reebok, McDonald’s and Pepsi are expected to come calling any day now.

“Kobe is not a rapist. That’s been proven in a court of law,” said Teresa Goldman, spokesperson for Reebok. “At the very worst, he’s an adulterer, which is about as bad as stealing a candy bar. I mean, who among us has not committed adultery? Who among us has not submitted to that sweet temptation many, many times? I certainly have. Man, if I had a dime for every….forget it.”

With the start of the NBA season rapidly approaching, the opportunity for Bryant to commit adultery will only increase. Most NBA superstars are deluged with offers for sex everywhere they go. Bryant said he intends to take “full advantage” of each and every opportunity he gets.

“Oh my God, I’m going to get so much pussy next year I won’t even be able to stand up,” Bryant said. “I’m tired of sacrificing all the time. I’m tired of putting my wife’s needs before my own. I give and I give and I give some more, and what do I get in return? Nothing but unconditional support, loyalty, and love. Big deal. I can get that from Mitch Kupchak.”

For his part, Kupchak vowed to accommodate Kobe in whatever decision he makes.

“Kobe knows how much respect I have for him,” said Kupchak. “He knows that he has in me a friend, confidant, father figure, and sycophant. We never once though that Kobe had committed that vile crime. And if he did, so be it. I’d rather have him rape some chick than record some god-awful rap album like Shaq did. At least with a rape, only one person suffers and not the whole damn country.”