Bush Vows To Prosecute ‘Criminal’ Who Leaked Palmeiro’s Test Results

CRAWFORD, TX--The fallout from the Rafael Palmeiro case continued yesterday when President Bush, speaking from his ranch in Texas, vowed to prosecute the “criminal” who leaked the test results to the media. The President argued that the leak violated the steroid testing policy and said the person who did should be brought to justice immediately.

Bush has taken a personal interest in the scandal, as he and Rafael Palmeiro have a friendship dating back to their days with the Texas Rangers.

“Whoever committed this heinous crime should be brought to justice immediately,” Bush told reporters at his ranch. “Anybody who leaks confidential and damaging information has no right to walk among us. Major league baseball must get it’s house in order. If we ran the country like this, we’d be the laughing stalk of the world.”

According to Bush, the White House will launch it’s own investigation if the commissioner’s office fails to act.

“I have faith in Bud [Selig] and the rest of the owners to get this thing taken care of,” Bush said. “But if they don't, we will not hesitate to act. The integrity of major league baseball is at stake here. They cannot continue to protect this tattle-tale, this...this leaker, just because he happens to be a member of the front office. That’s not the right message to be sending to the American people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go. There’s a national security crisis over by the fishin’ hole.”

The league announced Palmeiro’s test results last week, but it wasn’t until days later that someone associated with the testing program leaked the name of the steroid, stanozolol. The name of the drug is significant because stanozolol is a potent steroid that could not be taken by accident, as Palmeiro had initially claimed.

The league has vowed to look into the leak, which violates the guidelines of the steroid testing policy.

“We are committed to finding out who leaked this information,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “But let me remind you that this is an ongoing investigation and nobody should jump to conclusions. I appreciate the president’s concern and his thirst for justice, but we are perfectly capable of taking care of this problem ourselves. If it is discovered that somebody in this organization committed a crime, that person will be prosecuted, but again, this investigation is far from complete.”

Selig’s statement and the league’s cursory investigation may not be enough for the White House, however, which is pushing for full disclosure.

“The President is urging major league baseball to do the honorable thing,” said White House spokesman Scott McLellan. “Stop hiding behind the so-called ‘investigation.’ At some point they will have to come clean and admit that one of their own violated the conditions of the steroid testing policy. The nation will not sit idly by while this spineless, crooked, big-mouthed leak suspect remains free. To quote the President: ‘Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among people.’ That was president John Adams, of course.”

According to some high ranking baseball officials, the league is searching for a way to deal with the leak crisis without outing the person responsible. However, it is exactly that kind of blind loyalty that infuriates President Bush, who places truth and justice above personal favoritism.

“This is just not sitting well with the president,” said Greg Mitchell, political analyst from MSNBC. “Anyone who knows Bush knows that he values transparency and personal accountability over cronyism. What baseball is doing right now reeks of a major institutional cover-up. You might be able to get away with that with another president in the office, but not George Bush. He’s like a pit bull. He’ll lunge at the truth, gobble it up, and then shit it out at the feet of the American people.”