Calgary Flames Relocated To US Just Before Winning Stanley Cup

BIRMINGHAM, AL--The Calgary Flames, the pride and joy of Canada, have been relocated to the United States in the middle of the Stanley Cup Finals. The move comes as the team is dangerously close to winning the Cup, which would make it more profitable and appealing to US investors. If the franchise does win it all, it will not be as the Calgary Flames, but as the Birmingham (AL) Rattlers.

“Alabama has been waiting a long time for an NHL franchise, and now that wait is over,” said team owner Wayne Turner, a multi-millionaire real estate mogul. “What’s more, these guys are on the verge of winning the Stanley Cup. That’s why we made the move when we did. I’m sure the Canadian fans will be thrilled. They have such a huge amount of respect for America as it is.”

The Rattlers will make their home at Birmingham Jefferson Convention Center until 2005, when they will move into a brand new, state-of-the-art arena in the heart of the city’s downtown area. Turner is currently looking for corporate sponsors to fund the building of the arena, and has already sold naming rights to Verizon Wireless.

“The arena will be called Verizon Wireless Arena,” said Turner. “It’s a unique and colorful name, and it also resonates with the citizens of Birmingham, who are such big fans of large corporations.”

The relocation, while great news for Alabama residents, was a crushing blow to Calgary residents, who saw the Flames as “Canada’s team.” In the past few years, several Canadian hockey teams leave their ancestral home and relocated south of the border, but the relocation of the Flames has been the most painful, as they are in the middle of a rousing playoff run.

“This is a real shame,” said Calgary Mayor Dave Bronconnier. “We were just starting to get into this damn team and the Americans swooped in and grabbed them at the last minute. I know, I know. The US is a much more lucrative market because of the less stringent tax laws, but I just thought that the owners would put aside profit to keep Canada’s national pastime in Canada. I really believed in their integrity. I also believe in unicorns.”

The former owners of the Calgary Flames said that selling the team was a difficult decision, but the offer was too good to turn down.

“It hurts, because the team was just starting to gain a following,” said N Murray Edwards, one of the team’s ex-owners. “Unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult to remain economically viable in the Canadian marketplace. The figure that Mr. Turner offered was higher than our gross earnings for the past ten years combined. Plus, he threatened to shoot my dog.”

Owner Alvin G Libin echoed Edwards’s sentiment, explaining that the team was losing money despite its newfound popularity.

“Even though our income has increased this season, we still are losing money,” he said. “It’s just not worth the trouble to keep the team together when you’re constantly struggling to stay afloat. Besides, Alabama is a great place for hockey. As Canadians, we must look out for the best interest of the league in general, and should be proud that the team is headed to a city that will embrace it and keep it profitable. You know what they say, ‘If you love something, set it free.’ That’s how we should feel about the Calgary Flames…uh, Rattlers. Is this interview over yet?”

As a result of the move, Birmingham residents have begun lining up outside the convention center to buy tickets. Game 6, which was supposed to take place in Calgary, will now take place in Birmingham.

“We’re just so thrilled to have a hockey team here in Birmingham. This place has always been a hockey hotbed,” said Mayor Bernard Kincaid. “With our history, population, and weather, it’s a small wonder we didn’t get a franchise sooner. When people think of Birmingham, they think of French people ice skating.”

If anyone is more excited than Mayor Kincaid, it’s the residents of Birmingham. The Western Conference champion Rattlers have the populace abuzz over their new favorite sport.

“I love the Rattlers. They’re my favorite team,” said Chuck Sanders, 45, lifelong Birmingham resident. “They play soccer, right? Hockey? Oh yea, that’s right. Hockey. Truth be told, when I heard there was a new sports team in town and they were about to win something, I just mindlessly wandered down here to the arena with my wallet open, waiting to purchase tickets and team merchandise. We all did. That’s the American way. No wonder why hockey teams are in a race to get the hell out of Canada. Now, where are the players? We have to start worshipping them.”

Turner is already planning a victory parade for the Rattlers in downtown Birmingham. Even if the team doesn’t win the Cup, he wants to celebrate their amazing regular season and playoff run and give the fans a chance to show support for their new heroes. It will be a unique, Alabama-style celebration with no Canadians in sight.

“It’s gonna be fun, I can tell you that,” said Turner. “The people of Birmingham want to turn out and show their appreciation for this great team that has represented us so well. The Rattlers truly are the heart and soul of Birmingham. And if the Canadian fans want to watch, it’ll be broadcast on satellite TV. I hope they watch, I really do. I hope they eat their goddamn hearts out. Serves them right for giving us the Barenaked Ladies, Anne Murray, and Keanu Reeves.”