PHILADELPHIA--As Eagles players prepare for their playoff showdown against the New York Giants, they're making every effort to deal with the distractions and anxiety that go along with it. Luckily, there is a calming influence in the locker room to help them keep things in perspective: Giants quarterback Eli Manning. The simple fact that Manning will be under center for the opposing team is enough to set the players' minds at ease.

“He is a definitely a calming influence around here,” said running back Brian Westbrook. “Anytime we feel nervous or anxious or start questioning ourselves, we can always remember that Eli Manning is the quarterback for the other team. No matter how bad we play or how many times we screw up, we’re still going to be in the game. That’s what an Eli Manning does for you. You're never out of it with him in there.”

The last time the Eagles played the Giants, Manning threw two interceptions and no touchdowns in a 36-22 Eagles victory. For the season, Manning has 18 interceptions, fourth most in the league, and a passer rating of 77. He has also been criticized for lacking confidence and leadership in crucial situations.

“Eli really is the X factor in this game,” said Eagles safety Brian Dawkins. “The way he crumbles in the clutch, makes bad throws, pisses off his receivers, and generally looks confused out there gives us a lot of confidence. He’s sort of like an adopted member of our team. He’s probably more valuable to us than our own quarterback, Jeff Garcia. Don’t tell Jeff I said that, though. He’s still got a chip on his shoulder from being called gay by Terrell Owens. Calm down, Jeff. Nobody cares that you’re gay.”

Like most leaders, Manning has the natural ability to lighten up the atmosphere in the locker room when things get too intense. One such instance occurred on Tuesday, when coach Andy Reid showed the team a compilation video of hilarious Manning miscues.

“Oh man that was funny,” said Dawkins. “That video really cheered us up. You should see the throws this kid makes. Unbelievable. And through it all he has this miserable expression on his face like he would rather be somewhere else. I don’t blame him. I’d rather be somewhere else, too. I’d rather be in San Diego. Oops. Touchy subject there. One thing I’ve learned from Eli’s teammates is you never mention the words ‘San’ and ‘Diego’ in front of him, unless you want to see one goddamn hilarious temper tantrum.”

If Manning has a calming influence on the Eagles locker room, he has the exact opposite effect on his own locker room. Giants players, while fond of Manning, admit to being constantly on edge with him steering the ship.

“Eli definitely causes us a lot of anxiety,” said linebacker Antonio Pierce. “Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great kid – humble, polite, unselfish – but seeing him there behind center is nerve-wracking. Thankfully, we have our own calming influence in the locker room: Tom Coughlin. There’s nothing like seeing a red faced Coughlin storming through the locker room to make you feel at ease. That guy's like a human Xanax.”

As for Manning himself, he readily admits that he needs to work on his game, but says he has plenty of company when it comes to being a calming influence in the other team’s locker room.

“Okay, I admit I’m a little bit of train wreck out there,” he said. “But it’s something that I’m working on every week. Remember, I’m still a young guy. I have a lot to learn. Plus it’s not like I have it easy out there. I’ve got two maniacs as my primary receivers. I have an offensive line that can’t stay healthy, and a coach who literally wants to kill me. This place is so bad it almost makes the San Diego Chargers look like a legitimate sports team.” 

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.