DENVER--Dan Greeley, a linebacker on the Denver Broncos who nobody's ever heard of, announced today he was holding out of training camp. The second year player is apparently dissatisfied with his current contract and wants more money.

Head coach Mike Shanahan was underwhelmed by the news.

“Who? Dan Granley? Greeley? Who the hell is that?” asked Shanahan, after hearing the news. “I don’t know who that guy is. He wants a new deal? Oh, well, I can’t really comment on it since I don’t know the details of his current deal, nor do I know who he is. Linebacker, huh? I guess he must be a reserve. Tell you what: if he shows up to camp today, we’ll give him a pay increase of nothing and a signing bonus of zero. Then we’ll cut him. And that’s the best I can offer.”

Shanahan simply rolled his eyes when told that Greeley felt he deserved more than what he’s getting.

“Yea so does everybody,” he said. “ In the old days, only the very best players held out, and only when they were being treated unfairly. Now everybody does it. Even guys you’ve never heard of, like Dan Greeley. I’m not trying to disrespect the guy, but if you’re going to hold out of training camp, it helps to have leverage – you know, like Jay Cutler. If he held out we would have to back up the Brinks truck for him. Don’t print that.”

Greeley is maintaining his defiant stance despite Shanahan's dismissive attitude. Through his agent, the 28-year-old said he is prepared to sit out the entire season if his demands aren't met.

“My client is definitely prepared to sit out the whole season if need be,” agent Russ Tuck told the Denver Post today. “And if they lose him, who’s going to provide depth to the linebacking corp? The depth fairy? Give me a break. This team better show a little love to Danny. Dan. Dan Greeley. The guy who came in for that one play last year and missed a sack by like a split second? Wouldn’t it be easier to pay him than to find someone else to fill that role?”

Tuck added that Greeley is at home working out on his own in hopes of returning to the team soon.

“Don’t get me wrong. Dan wants to play,” he said. “He’s at home working out right now. The last thing he wants to do is miss camp. Unfortunately the Broncos are just not cooperating. We’re trying to set up a meeting with them but they’ve been totally unresponsive. Let the record show that we are reaching out to them but they are being totally aloof, so when the fans start pointing fingers, they’ll know who to blame.”

Tuck later admitted that Greeley was his only client and that he was hoping to get him more money so he could buy a Jetski.

Copyright 2008, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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