DALLAS --With Cowboys owner Jerry Jones preparing to sell the naming rights to his new stadium, die-hard fans of the team are making their voices heard via an online petition demanding that the stadium be named after popular bank Capital One. Some 47,000 fans have signed the petition in the past three days, sending a passionate message to the powers-that-be.

“Hardcore fans that have supported this team for years have a right to have their voices heard,” said Todd Chamberlain, 32, a season ticket holder who started the website CowboysCapitalOne.com. “We want ownership to know that we care about this team and its legacy. That’s why we’re urging them to adopt the name Capital One Stadium. Cap One is a great bank and Dallas is a great city. This is a match made in heaven. Come on, Jerry. You owe this to the the fans.”

Chamberlain went on to espouse the virtues of Capital One, which he calls the “Dallas Cowboys of Banking.”

“Capital One offers auto loans at 5.19 percent APR,” he said. “That’s right, 5.19 percent. They also offer as diverse an array of products and services as any bank of its size in the country. And don’t even get me started on the credit cards. Did you know you could design your own credit card? You can put whatever picture you want on there. Capital One and quality are synonymous. Just like Bank of America and ‘gay’ are synonymous. Yea, I’m throwing down the gauntlet, B of A.”

According to Chamberlain, fans are tired of watching teams sell stadium naming rights to anyone who has the money, resulting in hideous monikers such as Qualcomm Park, Lucas Oil Stadium, and Qwest Field. Those stadium names are gay, says Chamberlain, and the Cowboys should avoid falling into the same trap.

“God it’s so depressing what people are naming their stadiums these days,” he said. “I mean, Qualcomm Stadium? What the fuck? I don’t even know what that means, and I don’t want to know. And Qwest Field can kiss my ass, too. That’s the gayest name ever. When people roll into Capital One Stadium, on the other hand, they’ll know they just stepped into the jungle, baby.”

The fast-moving petition has already caught the eyes of the team brass, who insist that no name has been chosen for the new stadium and they are open to “all possibilities.”

“We’re still exploring all the possibilities,” a team spokesman said. “One thing we’re conscious of is how the fans feel about this process and we want to do something that satisfies them. We certainly understand how they feel about Capital One. Hopefully we can come to some sort of an agreement with them. Otherwise we might have to name the stadium after the city. Just kidding! The only time you name a stadium after the city is if it’s about to be demolished or it’s 1973.”

The spokesman also noted that, regardless of what the team decides to name the stadium, most real fans won’t be able to afford to attend a game there anyway.

Copyright 2008, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.