Cash Strapped Devil Rays To Eliminate Shortstop Position

TAMPA, FL--In an attempt to cut costs and trim payroll, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have announced that they are cutting the shortstop position from their team. The front office informed their current shortstop, Julio Lugo, of the change and will play the 2005 season with a hole between second and third base.

“Times are tough right now and we need to do some downsizing,” said team owner Vince Naimoli. “The shortstop position is extremely important to our team, but we have decided to cut that position from the payroll. With the money we save from this move we will be able to save up and purchase some much needed equipment for our players, such as bats, gloves and cleats. We will also try to save up enough funds to renovate this oversized garbage can we play in.”

With some good young talent on the team for the first time in years, many thought the Devil Rays would make some noise in the AL east this year. That seems unlikely now that they’ll be playing without a shortstop. However, Naimoli hasn’t given up hope and expects his other infielders to pick up the slack.

“Believe it or not, I still feel we can compete,” he said. “We’ve got Alex Gonzalez and Jorge Cantu playing the infield this year and those guys both have some pretty good range. Alex will be at third. If a ball gets hit to shortstop he’s just going to have to run really fast to get it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that of a person. After all, we are paying him $25,000 dollars a year.”

GM Chuck LaMar was consulted on the decision. Though he advised Naimoli to cut payroll some other way, the owner stuck to his guns.

“When Mr. Naimoli told me he was cutting payroll I urged him to be creative and try to avoid cutting any actual positions,” said LaMar. “But he was adamant about it. He really had his mind set on cutting the shortstop position. This is just something we’re going to have to deal with now. Maybe someday we can save up enough money to buy a new shortstop, or at least put a chair in there to block the hole.”

Devil Rays players were understandably shocked by the news, though most were just happy it didn’t happen to them.

“Oh my God. We’re going to play without a shortstop?” asked first baseman Travis Lee. “That’s bizarre. I’ve never heard of anything like that before. I guess I should just be glad I’m a first baseman. First base is an essential position. Shortstop, on the other hand, you can live without--especially if it means getting new equipment. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to play with a glove.”

Meanwhile, Gonzalez, who will be asked to cover both the third base and shortstop position in Lugo ’s absence, is wondering how he can play two positions at once.

“That’s difficult news to hear. I’m a little concerned about my ability to play shortstop, especially since I’m a third baseman,” said Gonzalez. “But if Mr. Naimoli calls on me to do extra work, I will do it. I’m getting paid fifty million a year so I might as well try to earn my keep. Fifty million pesos, that is.”

Now that word is out that the Rays are going to field eight players this season, the rest of the league is preparing ways to exploit that weakness. Opposing hitters will make every effort to get the ball on the third base side of the infield, especially in double play situations.

“Well you always want to exploit your opponent’s weaknesses,” said Blue Jays manager John Gibbons. “In this case the Rays are going to have a rather large hole on the right side of their infield so we’ll focus on making contact and getting the ball over there. You can really put them on the ropes if you consistently hit it through that hole. But the best thing about the move is that it makes them slightly more pathetic than us. Slightly. As least they’re not playing in Skydome, which was outdated five minutes after it was built.”

The Devil Rays should start to see improvements in their own ballpark in the coming weeks. Among the most notable improvements will be a refurbished clubhouse, complete with lockers, toilets, and showers.

“Wow. Lockers? That’s going to be a luxury,” said catcher Toby Hall. “That’s one thing I never thought I would experience at the major league level. For all these years we’ve been putting our stuff on the floor in a big pile. Toilets and showers will be a big enhancement, too. I was getting a little sick of having to wait until the visiting team was finished to use theirs.”