ATLANTA--Around 200 cats gathered outside the Georgia Dome on Saturday to voice their support for Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who is facing jail time for the killing and maiming of dozens of dogs as part of an illegal dog fighting ring. The cats stood for hours in the sweltering heat carrying signs that read “Free Mike Vick,” “Vick is a hero,” and “The bastards had it coming.”

The protest illustrated the sharp divide between dog lovers and cats when it comes to dog fighting in this country.

“This is a grave injustice,” said 7-year-old Minnie. “Michael Vick is a hero in the cat community. By killing all those bloodthirsty, insane animals, he has saved the lives of hundreds of cats. Do you know what pit bulls do when they come across a stray cat? They eat them. Of course, nobody thinks about that. They just think about how cute and lovable they are. Well they're not so cute and lovable when they're shitting out your remains on the front lawn.”

Another cat, a 10-year-old American Shorthair named Butterscotch, blasted PETA and other animal right’s groups for their hypocrisy on the matter.

“PETA claims to be animal rights advocates, but they’re very selective about which animals they are protecting,” said Butterscotch. “Fact: dogs remain the biggest killers of cats in the world. Fact: dogs consider cats meals. Now, am I asking humans to go around killing dogs? No, I’m simply asking them to be a little more open-minded. Michael Vick is not a monster. He is the real victim in all this. Him and Bobby Petrino. I bet that poor bastard never thought his dream job would be ruined by a bunch of dead dogs.”

When the subject of dog fighting came up, many of the protesters pointed to the fact that pit bulls love to fight and are utterly worthless except as violent gladiators. They also noted that cats, unlike dogs, could not be bred to fight because they are naturally peaceful, Zen-like creatures.

“Um…let me get this straight. Vick is being punished for making pit bulls fight each other?” asked Raggles, 8. “What exactly would those pit bulls do if they weren’t fighting each other? Go to college? Join the Peace Corps? Pit bulls fight. That’s just what they do. Cats, on the other hand, rarely fight, and when we do it’s for legitimate reasons, not just for bloodlust. But hey, who cares about cats, right? We won’t fetch your slippers, so we’re worthless.”

To many, it came as a surprise that Vick still had supporters after accepting a plea deal and admitting to the killing of dogs. However, Falcons owner Arthur Blank said he understood where the cats were coming from and admitted to having mixed emotions himself.

“It is a very complicated matter and I myself have mixed emotions,” Blank told the Atlanta Journal Constitution. “Try as I may, I can’t look at Michael as a hardened criminal or murderer. He’s just a young guy who made a terrible mistake and did something really deplorable. As for the cats, of course they are going to have a different perspective on this than everyone else. To them, dogs are like terrorists and Mike Vick is like the U.S. government, only way, way more successful.”

As for PETA, the group maintains its staunch anti-Mike Vick stance despite the cats’ protests, and believes the cats need a “reality check” if they think Vick is a hero.

“Michael Vick is a deplorable, sick human being,” said Ingrid Newkirk, director of PETA. “For these cats to stand there and say that he is a hero is pathetic. I don’t care if they don’t like dogs. Their petty prejudices are no excuse to stand behind someone who is, essentially, a murderer. Do they really think Michael was killing those dogs in order to save cats? He was killing them because he has no compassion for other living creatures. And believe me, he would have happily bred cats to fight if they weren't such pansies.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.