Ceiling Advises Deion Sanders To Come Out Of Retirement

BALTIMORE, MD--Deion Sanders got down on his knees and prayed to his ceiling about whether or not to return to professional football, sources reported Monday. The 38-year-old, who believed he was praying to God, also believed that God advised him to return and play for the Baltimore Ravens. Unbeknownst to Sanders, the Almighty was ignoring him and he was actually asking his ceiling for career advice.

“I got down on my knees and prayed, prayed to the Almighty,” Sanders exclaimed, during an interview with ESPN’s Michael Irvin. “I know that God has a plan for me, and if that plan involves returning to professional football, than that’s what I’ll do. I knelt down in my bedroom, looked up to the heavens and said ‘God, what path do you want me to take? Do you want me to come back from professional football?’ At that moment I experienced a feeling of profound warmth and comfort, and I knew was God responding to me. Alleluia.”

Sanders often prays to God for guidance. When he retired from the NFL, he did so after consulting God, and before he took a job on NBC he also prayed to God. For Sanders, God is like a high school guidance counselor.

“God told me to retire, then he told me to take the job at NBC,” said Sanders. “Now, he is telling me to rejoin the NFL. I appreciate all of his advice. He obviously cares very deeply about my career path. I just hope he doesn’t ask for 5 percent of my earnings.”

Unfortunately for Sanders, most religious experts explained that God was probably occupied with more pressing matters. They say it is highly unlikely that the King of Kings would stop what he was doing to ponder Deion Sanders’ next career opportunity.

“For all intents and purposes, Deion was praying to the ceiling,” said Father Richard Perron, author of The Myth and Reality of Divine Intervention. “God, while he loves all his creatures equally, very rarely manifests himself in people’s bedrooms in order to advise them on personal matters. However, the power of suggestion is very strong, and if a person’s faith is strong enough, he or she can imagine the Lord is providing an answer. This is not true, especially for someone like Deion Sanders, who God probably hates.”

Another religious scholar, Dr. Herman Saltzman of Notre Dame University, said that many athletes view God as a really well-informed sports agent.

“To egomaniacs like Deion Sanders and other pro athletes, God is like a super agent or ‘life coach’ who cares as deeply about their shallow endeavors as they do,” said Saltzman. “This is often a result of the public’s obsession with sports that feeds into the myth that athletes are more important than normal people, therefore have some kind of monopoly on God’s ear. But the jokes on them. They’re actually talking to themselves.”

In an anonymous poll conducted by USA Today, a staggering 83 percent of NFL players admitted to basing at least some of there career moves on advice from God. This number is even more staggering considering that if there is a God, he is completely ignoring them and they are praying to a ceiling, a statue, or some other inanimate object.

“There’s nothing wrong with praying to God during your life, but one must be realistic about God’s response,” said Saltzman. “Even a priest will tell you that the Lord does not speak directly to man, nor does he give concrete advice and answer questions. He is not a life coach, a motivational speaker, a career counselor, or a sports agent. He’s a deity with a lot of important shit on his mind.”

Those closest to Sanders paint a picture of a man who believes God guides him every day of his life, and that God has a plan mapped out for him. Even though the Bible explicitly states that humans have free will and God does not make choices for them, Sanders continues to cling to his belief that God is a really big fan.

“Oh, I know Deion. Deion practically believes he’s the son of God,” said Sanders’ sister, Renee. “He thinks God’s sitting up there in heaven wearing a Deion Sanders jersey, eating popcorn and cheering him on. He thinks the Lord will smite his opponents and lift him up to victory. He also thinks that football fans give a shit about his comeback. So you see, he’s completely delusional.”

Now that Sanders is back in the NFL spotlight, he plans to find new and creative ways to glorify God.

“I’m gonna honor the Lord through my playing,” Sanders said. “I’m gonna go out everyday and give it what I got and play with my unique brand of enthusiasm and joy. I’m gonna dance in the end zone, taunt my opponents, and generally draw as much attention to myself as is humanly possible. That’s because God wants me to be a boastful, attention-grabbing prick. He told me last night when I was praying to him. Alleluia”