Cubs Postgame Champagne Celebration Extremely Subdued

PHOENIX--Following their third straight loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, which completed a sweep and ended their playoff run, the Chicago Cubs enjoyed an extremely subdued post game champagne celebration. Players and coaches poured champagne over each other’s heads with little to no enthusiasm while pondering what might have been.

“This guy? This guy right here had a great season,” said a forlorn Derek Lee as he dumped a bottle of champagne over the head of Carlos Zambrano, who had his face buried in his hands. “He’s the man. It’s just great to be a part of this team. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go drink another bottle of champagne and hopefully pass out for three or four days.”

Over on the other side of the locker room, outfielder Alfonso Soriano, sporting a pair of swimming goggles and an expression of grim disappointment, sprayed a group of reporters with champagne. He then stopped to speak with one of them.

“This is the worst day of my life,” he said. “I really thought this team had what it took to go all the way. We had the character, we had the talent, we had the leadership…and then we got swept by a team I never even heard of until this year. I guess bitterness and defeat are part of sports, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this one. Oh, hey, look. It’s Aramis Ramirez. That’s my boy. He had a great year this year, which turned out to be totally worthless. Ow. Some champagne has seeped through my goggles. I think I have an eye infection now.”

Perhaps the most disappointed person in the clubhouse was manager Lou Pinella, who led his team to the playoffs in his first season, only to see them humiliated. Pinella, his eyes stained with tears, sat in his office chugging a six pack of beer.

“I tell you, these guys really came through this year. I couldn’t be more proud of them,” he said. “Well, I guess I could be a little more proud of them if they didn’t completely fall apart in this series. Still, they showed up to play every day. That’s got to be worth something...Hold on. Anybody got a key so I can shotgun this thing? Thanks…Anyway, I’m proud of them for losing less games than the rest of the teams in this crappy division. That’s something that no one can ever take away from us – not that they’d want to.”

When the celebration was over, only a few players remained in the booze-soaked locker room, murmuring to themselves about a once promising season turned sour. Pitcher Ted Lilly, in his first year with the team, called the celebration, “one of the lamest he’s ever seen.”

“I’ve been to a couple of these post game celebrations in my career and this one was by far the lamest I’ve ever seen,” he said. “Guys were drinking and spraying booze all over each other, but they were just going through the motions. They didn’t really mean it, you know? Still, it was nice to get drunk with the guys one last time. I’ll never forget the sight of Alfonso Soriano passed out on the floor, crying. It’s something I’ll tell my grandchildren about, when I’m warning them of the bitterness and disappointment that’s awaiting them in their adult lives.”

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