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BRISTOL, CT--ESPN draft expert Chad Ford has spent the last few weeks chasing complex, shady trade rumors from inside sources around the NBA and breathlessly reporting his findings to the viewing public. So far, none of the rumored trades have come to fruition, leading Ford to believe that league executives are basically fucking with him at this point.

“Okay, let’s see: first Kevin Garnett was going to the Celtics for Al Jefferson and the fifth pick,” a frustrated Ford said today. “Then Garnett’s agent said he didn’t want to do it. Then they tell me the Pacers are getting involved and it’s now a four-team deal. Then it turns out that there are only two teams involved: the Wolves and the Lakers. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m starting to think that somebody’s jerking me around here. Oooh! Text message from a GM! Hang on! Lastings Milledge to the Pacers? What? That guy’s a baseball player! Wow, I guess I should call that one into Sportscenter before somebody beats me to it.”

Ford has been frustrated and bewildered in recent days by the lack of movement on the trade front, even though several teams appear to be on the brink of making a blockbuster deal.

“It’s like they keep teasing me but nothing happens,” said Ford. “I’ve been hearing about the frigging Suns trading up forever now. Are they just waiting to the last minute or are they fucking with me? They’re probably serious, but at this point I’m just suspicious of everybody. I’m not even sure I should report this rumor about the Blazers trading the top pick for four second rounders. Sounds plausible, right? Sure, but it could be a ruse just to make me look silly. I think I’ll err on the side of caution and report that it’s imminent.”

Moments later Ford received a call from an unidentified GM stating that the Bulls were sending Tyrus Thomas, Ben Gordon, and Chris Duhon to the Celtics for Paul Pierce and the number five pick. That conversation was interrupted by another GM calling to report the Bulls were sending those same three players to the Timberwolves.

“Damn these conflicting reports!” Ford said. “See, this is proof positive that I’m being fucked around with. I get two calls within seconds of each other, both giving me completely opposite information. What’s worse, I’m almost positive they were both the same person: John Paxson. Apparently he has two telephones, that cunning bastard.”

League sources have confirmed there is indeed truth to the rumor that Chad Ford is being jerked around and that executives and front office people have made a sport of “leaking” trade scenarios to Ford in an attempt to see him discredited time and time again.

According to one insider, it’s all in good fun.

“Of course we like to mess around with Chad a little bit,” said the source. “One time I called him and told him that the Spurs were trading up to the lottery, and then I had another GM call and tell him they were trading down to the second round, then I had my buddy Doug call up and do his best Isiah Thomas impersonation and tell him the Spurs and Knicks were working on a deal to bring Tim Duncan to New York. Chad wasn’t fooled by that one, though, because my idiot friend said 'Tom' Duncan instead of Tim.”

As of Tuesday, no major trades had taken place in the NBA, but Ford is still holding out hope that someone will pull the trigger on something before draft day. Otherwise, the past few weeks will have been a “colossal waste of time.”

“Teams often wait until the last minute to make these trades, so I’m not freaking out or anything,” Ford said. “I still think something’s happening with KG and the Lakers and maybe even the Celtics and Pacers. If not, I’ll just have to chalk up the last three weeks of my life as a colossal waste of time. Actually, even if something does happen, let’s face it: the last three weeks of my life have still been a colossal waste of time. Same goes for the fans that have been reading this crap. But at least I’m getting paid for it.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.