Attention-Starved Dick Cheney Claims He Dated Tiger Woods

WASHINGTON, DC--Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, starved for attention since leaving office in January, told Fox News today that he dated Tiger Woods for a brief period in 2004. The relationship, according to Cheney, was short-lived, but intense.

“It was during the 2004 re-election campaign,” Cheney told Shepard Smith. “There was a lot going on – a busy time. I ran into Tiger at a fundraiser and we immediately hit it off. He invited me to sit down for a drink, then later I met up with him at his hotel. We had a very nice time together. He was a real gentlemen and a great lover. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me at the time, he was banging several other lovers. That’s why I decided to step forward and tell my story.”

Cheney claimed that Tiger broke it off with him in early 2005, sending him into a deep depression.

“I was crushed. He strung me along and then broke my heart,” Cheney said. “I cried. I screamed. I prayed. But through it all I continued doing my duties as Vice-President. And thank God for that. As you know, after 9/11, we never had another terrorist attack on this nation. Now I ask you: could the current vice-president continue to protect the nation if he was just dumped by the world's most famous golfer?”

Cheney has hired an attorney and says he plans to tell “the whole story” in an hour-long, prime time sit-down with Fox’s Sean Hannity. The former VP promises the interview will contain shocking details about Woods that have never before surfaced.

“I’m holding back a lot right now, Shepard. You have no idea the information that I have,” said Cheney. “I have text messages. I have emails. I have physical descriptions of his penis. I have voice mails. Why am I doing this? I think people should know the truth about Tiger Woods. And I want to see my name in the news a few more times before I die - which should have happened two years ago, incidentally. Hello? Death? Have you forgotten about me?”

Insiders say that Cheney’ story is a complete fabrication and could result in a lawsuit from Woods and his attorneys, especially if the former VP goes through with his sit-down with Shepard Smith.

“This is an obvious and pathetic attempt for Dick Cheney to remain relevant during the Obama era,” said one source close to the situation. “And it could have severe repercussions for the Cheney camp if he doesn’t back off. It’s one thing to be accused of banging a bunch of hot cocktail waitresses, but when it’s Dick Cheney doing the accusing, you’ve got to respond harshly and severely. Then again, Cheney’s never been the kind of guy to consider the repercussions of his actions.”

The White House has issued a statement in response to Cheney’s allegations, calling them “obviously and categorically false” and saying the former vice-president should “go away quietly and give someone else a chance to screw up the country.”