Cheney Taken To Undisclosed Location To Escape Ridicule

WASHINGTON, DC--Vice president Dick Cheney has been whisked away by federal agents to an undisclosed location in order to escape the vicious and cruel taunting that he has endured since accidentally shooting a fellow hunter over the weekend. Cheney is an avid outdoorsman and outspoken ally of the gun lobby, but that didn’t stop him from spraying 78-year-old Harry Whittington with birdshot while attempting to shoot a quail.

Officials say that Cheney will remain in hiding “until this whole thing blows over.”

“Right now it’s just too nasty out there. We needed to get the vice-president to safety before things get out of control,” said one administration official, who asked not to be identified. “He’s getting hammered everywhere he turns. It’s not good for his health and well-being. He needs to be nestled away in the comfort of a fortified bunker deep under the ground. There, there, Mr. Vice President. You're safe now. Nobody can hurt you here. Just – aahhhh! He’s got a gun! Everybody duck! Just kidding. Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

The official estimated that Cheney would be kept out of the public for at least two weeks.

“That’s our most conservative estimate right now,” he said. “It could be more than two weeks, however. Frankly, if I was Dick I would never want to show my face in public again. I mean, he’s supposed to be a rugged outdoorsman. He’s a staunch pro-gun advocate. He’s in bed with the frigging NRA! God, how stupid must they feel right now? Maybe it’s time for them get some charter members that aren’t in the throes of dementia.”

The NRA did release a statement after the incident expressing their support for Cheney and their sympathy for the shooting victim. The group also used the accident to illustrate the importance of firearm safety.

“We express our deepest sympathy to Mr. Whittington, a fine and decent man who really loved guns,” the statement began. “We also express our solidarity with vice-president Cheney. What happened was a terrible accident, but it does show that mishaps can happen at any time, even with an experienced marksman. Let the lesson in this be a simple one: If you’re hunting quail on a friend’s estate, be sure to avoid firing in the vicinity of anything wearing a fluorescent orange vest that does not have wings and, in fact, is your hunting partner.”

One of the most mysterious aspects of the shooting was the amount of time that passed before the White House reported it. Spokesman Scott McClellan said the vice president’s staff was focused on making sure that Mr. Whittington got the care he needed and did not feel the need to issue a formal statement at that time.

“We just wanted to make sure that Harry was OK. That was our first concern,” said McClellan. “Now if the vice-president himself had been shot, then we would have held a major press conference. What a nightmare that would’ve been – our vice president getting accidentally shot on a hunting trip. Of course, if the bullet was anything like the draft, he would’ve been able to dodge it pretty deftly! Ha Ha Ha! Ok, I’m sorry. That was out of line. I’m just tired of everybody else getting to have all the fun.”

Due to his temporary relocation underground, Cheney has been forced to cancel a meeting with energy industry leaders, as well as an appearance at a fund raising dinner in Austin, TX. However, President Bush insisted today that it was “business as usual” at the White House.

“The vice-president is just taking a small vacation,” Bush said in his weekly radio address. “Obviously he’s been through a very traumatic experience. He almost killed a close friend of his, and a close friend of this administration’s. I know it sounds a little strange, since he was the one who accused John Kerry of not being a real hunter during my re-election campaign, and he has also personally fellated many members of the NRA, but hey, strange things happen sometimes.”

“I told Dick to take as much time as he wanted down there in his undisclosed location,” he continued. “I just said to pretend it was 9/11 all over again. My goodness, on that day we couldn’t get him out from under his bed! But that’s why we love Dick. He’s always good for a laugh, and pardon me for saying this, but this is the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen.”