Chiefs To Use Power Of Positive Thinking To Repair Defense

KANSAS CITY, MO--The Kansas City Chiefs today announced a new strategy for repairing their struggling defense: the power of positive thinking. The defense, which was ranked last in the league a year ago, remains virtually unchanged. Now that it’s too late to make any significant player upgrades, the Chiefs will simply hope with all their hearts that the defense improves.

“I think this is the perfect solution to our problem,” said GM Carl Peterson. “We’re not gonna sit on our hands and be passive here. The defense is broken and needs to be fixed. And we’re just gonna concentrate, visualize ourselves playing better, and hope that it does the trick. If the guys feel better about themselves, they’ll play better. You just watch. This is going to change everything.”

Peterson does not believe the team’s problems are personnel related. Though he did hire a new defensive coordinator in Gunther Cunningham, he was widely criticized for failing to upgrade his roster. Peterson believed that if the defense came into this season with a new attitude and fresh outlook, they would magically transform into a top-notch unit.

“That was a tough game, but we’re going to put it behind us,” Peterson. “We’re going to do much, much better next week. You know why? Because I’m hoping for the best, that’s why.”

The team is following Peterson’s lead. Every player is really hoping that things turn out better for the defense. They’re hoping that interceptions suddenly fall into their hands and running backs fall down at their feet. They’re also hoping that they can somehow get some pressure on the quarterback, even though they have no dominant pass rusher.

“I hope all these things happen. I really do,” said linebacker Shawn Barber. “We are not a very talented bunch, so we’re going to just hope things turn out well for us. We’re all thrilled to be here and very excited and we feel that enthusiasm is going to carry over into next week. Actually, we know the enthusiasm is going to carry over to next week. We just hope that enthusiasm is enough to help us win because we certainly don’t have any talent.”

According to some coaches, the positive thinking and enthusiasm have already started to affect the team’s practices.

“Wow, guys are really excited right now,” said Gunther Cunningham. “You can see it in their eyes, in the way they carry themselves—there’s really a spring in their step. Guys are high fiving each other, laughing, smiling, and thinking extremely happy thoughts. They still can’t play defense though. It took three guys to take down a tackling dummy yesterday.”

The power of positive thinking is pretty uncommon in the football world. Most NFL coaches s are surly and mean spirited, and use fear and discipline to get the most out of their players. That’s another reason why the Chiefs approach is a breath of fresh air.

“The negative approach is very popular among NFL coaches,” said head coach Dick Vermeil. “And I can understand the merits of self criticism and tough love, but I don’t think that’s really going to help us. You do need some semblance of talent in order for that to work. So we’re just going to do the same things we did last year with the same people and hope this time around it magically works out. Isn’t that a great strategy? It certainly is refreshing to see so many happy faces focused on staying upbeat. But honestly, I’d trade all this positive thinking for one damn stop on third down.”

With this roster, he may not get his wish. The defense has looked awful since training camp and there is nothing to indicate that they will improve. If the team finishes the year last in defense again, Peterson has vowed to take action.

“Next offseason will be a little different than this one if our defensive unit is still struggling,” said Peterson. “As a GM, you’ve got to take action. I may consider hiring a motivational speaker to get team pumped up before every game. I may even consider giving them some ecstasy on Sundays. That stuff always makes you think positive. Come to think of it, maybe we should give some to the fans, too.”