98 Percent Of NFL Players Coming Into Season With Chips On Their Shoulders

HEMPSTEAD, NY--It’s training camp time in the NFL and all around the country players are sweating it out in the hot summer sun carrying large chips on their shoulders, representing their renewed sense of purpose and desire to prove all the doubters wrong. The chips are so ubiquitous this year, that, according to a recent poll, 98 percent of NFL players are coming into the season carrying them on their shoulders.

“We’ve got a lot of guys coming into this season with something to prove,” said Jets head coach Eric Mangini, whose team lost to the Patriots in the first round of the playoffs last year. “Certainly Chad [Pennington] is playing with a chip on his shoulder. He really wants to improve on his performance from last year. Our new running back, Thomas Jones, wants to prove he can dominate as a featured back in this league. He’s carrying a pretty big chip on his shoulder too. Even our punter has a chip on his shoulder. He wants to prove that last year was no fluke, as if anybody’s really paying attention.”

In the NFC, there is no shortage of shoulder chips either. Just ask Bears coach Lovie Smith, who believes his team “has a lot to prove” after losing the Super Bowl last year.

“That Super Bowl loss still stings for us,” said Smith. “There are a lot of guys here that have something to prove. Take Rex Grossman. He's really coming into this season with a chip on his shoulder. That’s a great sign because a player with a chip on his shoulder is going to try harder and play with more intensity than a non-chip-carrying player. In fact, all of our guys have chips on their shoulders this year. Well, all except one, and I already sent the colossal pussy back home to his mommy.”

Even the Indianapolis Colts, who appear to have nothing to prove after winning it all last year, are coming into the season with something to prove. According to reports from camp, 100 percent of their players have chips on their shoulders.

“I think a lot of our guys are coming into the season with a chip on their shoulder,” said quarterback Peyton Manning, who is coming into this season with a chip on his shoulder. “We know that shoulder chips equal Super Bowl victories. The team with the chips on their shoulders always wins. Now, if two teams with chips on their shoulders collide, I don't know what will happen. It could result in a rip in the space-time continuum.”

There are only a tiny handful of players not coming into the 2007 season with chips on their shoulders. One of them, Jacksonville Jaguars long snapper Joe Zelenka, said he felt he could excel this season without the assistance of a chip, despite the fact that it put him at odds with his teammates.

“There are a lot of people in camp with chips on their shoulders,” said Zelenka. “But for me, it’s just not necessary. I have no doubters to prove wrong, I don’t feel the need to redeem myself for last season, and I don’t feel I’ve been disrespected by the media or fans. I’m just going to come in and do my job to the best of my abilities without any contrived motivational tools. Maybe they should cut me now before I poison the entire locker room.”

In another example of Zelenka’s non-conformity, he is not optimistic about the coming season and doesn’t believe it is the Jaguars year.

“Oh, no. No. Absolutely not. It’s not our year at all,” he said. “If we win one game I’ll be shocked. I’m not afraid to say it either. I told Jack [Del Rio] the other day. He got angry and had to be restrained by the other coaches. See, now there’s a guy who’s had a chip on his shoulder his whole career, and where the hell has that gotten him?”

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