Christ Becomes Free Agent, Signs Deal With Satan

HEAVEN--In a stunning development yesterday, Jesus Christ, only begotten son of God, left his seat at the right hand of his father and signed a long term deal with Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Just last week, it was reported that Christ was very close to signing a new deal that would have kept him in Heaven another thousand years, but negotiations hit a snag and Christ decided it was time to move on.

"It's been a great run", said an emotional Christ at a press conference yesterday. "I have nothing but respect for my father, the Creator of the Universe, but it's really just time to move on. There will always be a place in my heart for Heaven"

Fans of Jesus Christ around the world were devastated by the news. Members of the Jesus Christ fan club, also known as the Catholic Church, were left wondering about the future of the church now that it's inspiration has departed for greener pastures.

A special meeting was called by Pope John Paul, who huddled with his advisors to discuss the future of the Roman Catholic Church. They later released a statement that read: "We at the Roman Catholic Church wish Jesus Christ the best of luck and understand that he has a right to pursue new challenges. For the time being, Church services and holidays will be suspended until we get a new mascot."

Terms of the new deal with Satan were not disclosed, but according to one source, the deal was much sweeter and gave Christ more power than he had with his father, God.

"The sticking point in the negotiations with God was the amount of authority Christ would have in Heaven," said the source. "Christ wanted more administrative authority, but God wanted to maintain the status quo."

The deal with Satan, the source went on to say, will give Christ unchecked authority of 6 of the 8 circles of Hell, with only the bottom two still under the guidance of Beelzebub.

"Satan will retain control of the bottom two circles of hell, which is fine with Christ. Trust me, you don't want to go down there. It stinks to high heaven."

Sources close to Heaven also report that there may have been some bad blood between God and Jesus that goes all the way back to the first century.

"Look", said the source. "2000 years ago, God broke the news to Christ that he had to go down to Earth, live in squalor, be celibate, work tirelessly day in and day out, and then finally get crucified. Christ was unhappy about that. He thought he was disrespected, and there's still some lingering resentment over it. Christ has a long memory, and that was probably a factor."

As for Satan, he admitted he'd been pursuing Christ for quite some time.

"I've been interested in hiring Jesus for years now", said the Prince of Darkness. "Hell, thousands of years ago, I tempted him in the desert for 40 days and he still wouldn't budge. I respect that. I really do. I just think that he felt it was time for a change and a new challenge. We feel that it is a new beginning for hell and that the balance of power will shift dramatically in the next few years."

Satan went on to say that the basic policies of Hell would not change and that we should expect more calamity, more death, disease and despair, and that the next big project for hell will be to make sure George W Bush gets re-elected.

"We've got a lot of projects on the table. As usual, we're working round the clock to make sure the forces of evil, death and destruction continue to plague mankind. I think what Christ brings to the table is a lot of experience, inside knowledge of the Heaven regime, and also a level of credibility that's been missing over the years. We've got Jesus Christ on our side now, and we feel that will improve our image in the long run."

As for Heaven, they've already started to do damage control. The search for a replacement for Christ is already under way with some speculating that it would focus on the saints and the apostles.

"St. Peter would be a good fit for them I think," said the source. "He's pious, righteous, and he wrote one of the gospels. Plus, he works cheap"