SOUTH BEND, IN--According to a report on ESPN.com, Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was involved in an altercation outside a South Bend, IN restaurant in which he was “sucker punched” by a disgruntled fan. The police say they have made no arrests for the incident, but that “every Notre Dame fan in the country” is a suspect.

“At this time we don’t have any information on who did this,” said police chief Lance McCulloughs, “but needless to say every Notre Dame fan in the country is a suspect. They all have the motive, the means, and the insane temperament to do something like this. It’s going to be tough narrowing it down to one guy, but we'll do it. My only concern is that no jury in the world will convict him.”

McCulloughs said the police are scouring internet blogs, message boards, and Facebook profiles for possible clues. At this time, authorities have narrowed the list down to around 3 million suspects.

“By my estimation there are around 3 million people that could have had something to do with this,” said McCulloughs. “So many people want to punch Jimmy, or Charlie Weis, or the AD, or pretty much anyone affiliated with the program. I just hope that this will all be wrapped up very shortly. I’m talking about Weis’ coaching tenure, of course.”

Those present at the restaurant said that Clausen was sucker punched from behind by a frustrated fan who started out by calling the young QB names.

“Somebody just started calling him a ‘loser’ and a ‘homo,’ and Jimmy tried to walk away,” said one witness.“But the guy came up behind him and punched him anyway. I don’t know why. Jimmy’s been okay for us this year. I guess people are just pissed in general and looking to take it out on someone. I can relate. Personally, I did the decent thing and punched a homeless guy on the way home.”

A quick scan of Notre Dame-related message board postings reveals the depth of hatred and venom directed towards Clausen and his Fighting Irish teammates and coaches. One message board poster wrote that “Clausen is an overrated gaytard who deserves a cock-punch.” Another wrote, “If I ever see that little punk in public I’m going to introduce his forehead to my knee cap, then give him a cock-punch.” Many others contained threats and insults too disturbing to be printed.

While such venom is not unusual among college football whackos, the level and intensity of anti-Notre Dame sentiment is currently at a disturbing level, says Pete Skinner of College Football News.

“This is really bad,” said Skinner. “I’ve never seen so much vitriol. Calm down, people! It’s only a game. In the end it doesn’t really matter if your stupid institution has a good football program or not. Although I must say it's interesting that Notre Dame fans finally hates their team as much as the rest of the country does.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.