Smell Of Marijuana Coming From Closed-Door, Players Only Meeting

WASHINGTON, DC-- With the addition of point guard Gilbert Arenas and promising young coach Eddie Jordan, the Washington Wizards were expected to compete for a playoff spot this season in the weak Eastern Conference. Unfortunately, the 2004 campaign has been a complete disappointment thus far. So in the midst if a 6-game losing streak, team leader Arenas took it upon himself to call a closed door, players only meeting in an attempt to “get everyone on the same page.”

“Sometimes you just have to get your teammates together and talk,” said Arenas. “No coaches, no GM’s, no media – just the guys. We need to air a few things out, obviously, and when there are no coaches around, players can express themselves more freely. I really feel like this team has potential, but we’ll never get anywhere until we can get everyone on the same page. As team leader, I need to be proactive.”

Coach Eddie Jordan and GM Ernie Grunfeld approved of the idea and applauded Arenas for taking charge and trying to turn the team’s fortunes around.

“I think it’s great that a player like Gilbert is willing to take the reins and assume a leadership role,” said Jordan, the first year coach. “As a coach, you can only do so much. I think sometimes the team just needs someone it can relate to better. Hopefully, this closed-door meeting will bring the guys closer together. I’m sure it will be extremely professional and productive.”

Unfortunately, witnesses reported the unmistakable smell of marijuana smoke coming from the room where the team was assembled. That, accompanied by the insistent beat of hip-hop music, led some to believe that there was more going on in the meeting than basketball talk.

Trainer Frank Milton got a whiff of the strong odor while working in an adjacent room.

“I was just doing some work in the trainer’s room, when I picked up the scent of weed,” said Milton. “It was coming right from that locker room. I could even see some smoke seeping out from under the door. And I also heard this deep, vibrating bass sound. I can’t be positive, but I think it was Nelly—or perhaps DMX. Whatever it was, it sounded like a shitload of fun in there.”

Unfortunately, Milton was not allowed into the meeting. The door was opened by Kwame Brown, who quickly shooed the trainer away.

“Kwame opened the door and I almost fell over from the smell,” said Milton. “The place was fishbowled, too. Smoke was flying out of the room. He just peeked his head out and said ‘What the fuck? This is a players only meeting.’ I said I was just checking to make sure everything was OK, and he said ‘Yea. We’re fine. We’re talking about the uh…pick and roll.’ What a horrible liar that kid is. Anyway, I know when I’m not wanted, so I took off. I just hope whatever they were doing was bringing the team closer together and galvanizing their commitment to excellence.”

Players who attended the meeting denied Milton’s accusations, insisting that they were engaged in an “exchange of ideas” about the current state of the team.

“That’s crazy. It’s absolutely nuts,” Arenas told reporters after yesterday’s practice. “We were discussing our concerns about our current level of play and brainstorming about what each of us could do to help the team improve. It was an incredibly productive meeting. We really cleared the air. To have someone insinuate that we were smoking pot and listening to Method Man is just wrong. Oh, he didn’t say Method Man? Um, well I just assumed he would say something like that. Next question.”

Guard Jerry Stackhouse indicated that the meeting was mostly about strategy.

“We talked mostly about the Princeton offense—its merits and its drawbacks,” Stackhouse said. “We also delved a bit into the art of moving without the ball, setting a proper pick, and proper technique for posting up. There’s no way this team would ever use a closed door meeting as an excuse to get blissfully baked, crank up the stereo, make fun of coach Jordan, play dominoes, and hire strippers to give us lap dances. That would be unprofessional.”

Coach Eddie Jordan, when informed of the situation, vowed to investigate the matter until the truth came out. He was, however, inclined to believe Milton over the players.

“These are serious allegations, but I’m a little skeptical about the players’ statements,” said Jordan. “I mean, I’m pretty sure nobody on the team knows dick about the Princeton offense, and they certainly weren’t in there discussing the proper technique for a post-up move. Plus, I could’ve sworn I saw some strippers pass by my office and head towards the locker room. I thought I was seeing things, but now I’m starting to wonder.”

Jordan added that if the allegations turn out to be true, it would be the end of players-only meetings.

“Obviously if our players are going to abuse their privileges like this, we’ll have to keep an eye on them. If they’re too immature to be by themselves, then they’ll have a chaperone. Plus, who the hell would want to listen to Nelly or Method Man while smoking that kind bud? I’m from the old school. I’d be listening to Hendrix’s Band of Gypsies or something by Bob Marley. I don’t know, I guess the league is just going to shit.”