Coker Tells Players They’ll Have To Do Their Own Damn Homework If They Don’t Shape Up

MIAMI--After watching his team lose 31-7 to Louisville on Saturday and fall to 1-2 on the season, Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker warned his players to “shape up” or they’d have to do their own damn homework, rather than have it done by tutors, boosters, assistant coaches, or himself. The chilling threat is expected to light a fire under the underachieving ‘Canes and possibly save Coker’s job.

“I’ve had it with your sub par efforts out there,” Coker told his team on Monday. “You look sloppy, you look lazy, you look arrogant, and you’re just not executing. This stops now. If it doesn’t, you’re going to have some privileges taken away from you, and that’s not just an empty threat. One more game like Saturday’s and you’re going to find yourself doing your own homework. Yep, that’s right. Get out those calculators, sharpen those pencils, and learn how to read, because the party’s over.”

Coker has tried just about everything to get his players’ attention, but he’s never gone so far as to revoke a privilege that is taken for granted by nearly every Division I football player in the country. However, as Coker noted, desperate time call for desperate measures.

“Our players have always enjoyed some great privileges in the past, but they earned those privileges,” said Coker. “They didn’t have anything handed to them. You wanna get good grades? Produce on the football field. You wanna get your homework done, all typed up, everything spelled right? Start showing up on Saturday’s. Those privileges can be easily taken away, and then you’ll end up sitting in your room banging your head against the wall trying to figure out some stupid equation, which is exactly what you came to this school to avoid.”

Miami players embarrassed themselves on Saturday by getting routed by the Cardinals after stomping on their logo before the game, a gesture meant to show that they “got their swagger back.” Now they are out of the Top 25 and simply hoping for a win against their next opponent, the 3-0 Houston Cougars.

“Well, we got our swagger back. That’s the good news,” said wide receiver Darnell Jenkins. “The bad news is that we sucked. We’ve got to look in the mirror and determine what we need to do to turn things around. Because if we lose one more game this season will be over, and all we’ll have to show for it is that beautiful, beautiful moment when we stomped on Louisville’s logo. That was so cool. Whatever happens, they’ll never be able to take that away from us.”

As for Coker, Jenkins can understand why he’s upset.

“Coach Coker has every right to be upset. He has every right to make crazy threats. We’re not executing his game plan and what’s worse, people are starting to say we’re tuning him out. We are not tuning him out. Seriously. If we were tuning him out, we’d play a helluva lot better than this.”

Coker’s warning to the team appears to have motivated them, at least temporarily. On Monday, half the team arrived early to practice and many stayed late to study film. In addition, several players are disciplining themselves for mental mistakes on the field by doing extra laps and push-ups.

For his part, Coker is hoping the new, boot camp mentality sticks.

“So far, so good. The team really seems to be responding to the challenge,” he said. “Hopefully this kind of commitment will last all season, because these are really good kids who deserve to be successful. Also, if we don’t win out, I’m probably going to be fired. Whatever. If that happens I'll just sign with some smaller school and join the rest of America in hating this team with a passion.”

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