CHICAGO--Bears cornerback Ricky Manning Jr. was arrested and charged with assault on Thursday after he and a group of friends allegedly attacked a man at a Denny’s restaurant last month. Manning could face jail time, or possibly a lighter sentence involving community service, to which the community is saying “No thanks.”

“Um…we don’t want Ricky Manning Jr. to be giving back to the community or anything,” said Chicago mayor Richard Daley. “We don’t really want him in our community all. We love him as a football player, but when he’s not playing we’d prefer if he just holed up in his apartment. There are enough nut jobs running around this city as it is.”

Daley and others in the community cited the brutal nature of the attack, as well as Manning’s past transgressions, as reasons why he should stay away from the peace-loving citizens of the Windy City.

“They attacked the guy because he was working on a laptop,” Daley explained. “They thought that was dorky so they just started whaling on him. Obviously those guys are operating on about a third grade level. And don't think Ricky will actually go to jail, either. There's no chance of that happening - not with the holes the Bears have in their secondary.”

Bears head coach Lovie Smith said the team is giving Manning their full support and will reserve judgment until after he has been tried. If he’s is found guilty, Smith is hoping for a light sentence.

“We don’t know what happened that night so we can’t rush to judgment here,” said Smith. “If he is found guilty I would hope the sentence would be something light, like community service. I think he’d handle it just fine, too, as long as none of the kids had those dorky glasses and pocket protectors. Ooooh, look at me. I’m so smart! I’m Mr. Brainiac! I’m better than you! Please. If they’re going to act like that, they deserve to get beaten up.”

The Bears signed Manning to a $21 million contract this offseason and are counting on him to solidify their secondary. Smith said Manning’s history, which includes a similar assault charge in 2002, did not scare them away in the least.

“We talked extensively to Ricky before we signed him, and are confident that he’s an upstanding citizen,” he said. “What happened in that restaurant is all a little hazy anyway. For all we know that kid with the laptop could have been starting trouble with them. Maybe it was self defense. Or maybe Ricky Manning is simply a violent Neanderthal. If that’s the case, he’ll always have a home in the NFL.”

City officials hope that if Manning does get community service, it will be in Los Angeles, where the crime was allegedly committed. Another option would be to let Manning go free with no punishment whatsoever.

“To tell you the truth, I’d rather have him get away with beating that guy than be sentenced to some kind of community service bullshit,” said Jonathan Prince, head of the Chicago chapter of the Boys & Girls Club. “We usually like it when athletes come here to help out but in this case it’s probably better if he stays far, far away. If I was a judge and I really wanted to give him some community service that would actually help the community, I would sentence him to hop in his car, drive west, and keep going until he hits the ocean. Then he can buy an apartment and live happily ever after. It’s not a particularly harsh sentence, but the community will be better for it.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.