NEW YORK--The NFL Concussion Committee, formed by the players union to research the causes and effects of concussions, has recommended that concussed players be shot to death as a precautionary measure, the New York Times reported today. The league has apparently agreed, and announced today that the new rule will be put into place immediately.

“Concussions are very dangerous and can cause a slew of health problems for years to come,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “Therefore, going forward, any player who sustains a concussion during a game will be shot to death. There’s no need to take chances here and play with fire. Once a player sustains a concussions, he’s as good as dead anyway.”

Surprisingly, the league’s players are almost unanimously on board with the new anti-concussion measures, despite the fact that it could lead to their untimely deaths.

“Death is a bad thing, but a concussion is worse,” said Ravens center Matt Birk. “I think it’s great that people are finally catching on to this. Did you know that since 1980, 98 percent of players who have suffered concussions have become drooling, catatonic vegetables? Did you know that doctors say there is a link between concussions and prostate cancer? It’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.”

Players who have suffered concussions in the past will be “grandfathered” and allowed to continue living. However, their loved ones should be tested for concussions as a precautionary measure, says Dr. Elliot Beamon, who resides on the league's concussion committee.

“We really should be testing these guys' families,” said Beamon. “Even though concussions aren't technically 'contagious' there is a possibility that the vibration and ringing from an NFL player’s concussion could cause a vibration and ringing in those around him, then the whole family will be infected. It's a remote possibility, basically non-existent, but if we're going to overboard with this thing we might as well do it right.”

Another proponent of the extreme new anti-concussion measure is author and researcher Malcolm Gladwell. In October, Gladwell wrote in the New Yorker that the NFL could eventually face banishment if it failed to deal with the problem.

He believes the new measure is “a start” but still fails to address the issue of concussion prevention.

“This is definitely a start,” said Gladwell. “Unfortunately, it won’t eliminate concussions. We need to find a way to prevent them from happening in the first place. My proposal: fine and suspend any player who gets a concussion. If you start dipping into their wallets, they’ll have to avoid concussions. And if they don’t: pay up, bitch. And then they get shot. Okay, that does sound a little draconian.”

A small handful of players are privately voicing their opposition to the plan, claiming that it does not to solve the problem of concussions and will only result in more suffering.

“Whoa, whoa, wait just a minute,” said one player, who asked not to be identified. “Aren't we going a little overboard here? Of course concussions are dangerous and can result in some nasty side effects, but there are more rational solutions to this problem, and they don't involve eradicating football or killing anyone. Let's just have cushier helmets, better mouth guards, and a weight limit so those fat fuck linemen can't keep falling on our heads and crushing them.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.