New NFL Study Shows Concussions Can Be Alleviated By Ignoring Them

NEW YORK--A groundbreaking new study conducted by the NFL committee on concussions revealed that concussions incurred during games can be alleviated by ignoring them completely. In response to the findings, the league has recommended that concussed players be sent back to the field promptly in order to speed up the healing process.

Any player who refuses will be fined or suspended.

“This study confirms something that we've believed all along,” said league spokesman Greg Aiello, “that concussions are only worsened by intense medical scrutiny and that ignoring them is the quickest, surest way to guarantee full recovery. From here on out, players who complain of a headache or dizziness should be sent back on the field immediately, which is basically what we’re already doing, so we really don’t have to change anything. With that, the book on concussions is closed. Now we can move on to more important things like scheduling a regular season game in China.”

Doctors Adrian Vassar and Gerald Fewer of the NFL’s concussion committee said their conclusions were based on months of painstaking observation and were not, in any way, influenced by the league front office.

“No, these conclusions are totally legitimate,” said Vassar. “We’re not just a mouthpiece for the league. We’ve studied the medical histories of players dating back 20 years and found that, without a doubt, the ones who received immediate medical attention had worse symptoms than ones who were totally ignored. Furthermore, the ones who were sent back on the field actually had some sense knocked into them, so they were probably better off than before they got the concussion.”

The study comes as a relief to coaches and personnel men around the league who were concerned about the recent push to exercise caution with players suffering from concussions. Now teams can continue the traditional method of calling those players “pussies” and demanding they play through the pain and illness.

“Kudos to the NFL for blowing the lid off this whole concussion thing,” said one AFC general manager. “It takes a lot of courage and self reflection for them to face this problem head on and deal with it. Now we can forget about giving our players last rites the second they bump their heads, and go back to kicking them in the ass and telling them to earn their damn paychecks. And we can do it in good conscience, too, knowing that we’re actually helping with the healing process. Still, don’t expect any of these assholes to be appreciative.”

The news came as a surprise to NFL players, who vehemently opposed the study’s findings and claimed that repeated head bashings actually worsen concussion symptoms.

“I can’t believe they’re actually trying to sell us this bullshit,” said retired NFL quarterback Troy Aikman, who suffered 10 concussions during his career. “I was knocked unconscious on more than one occasion and there’s no way I should have been sent right back on to the field. And I’m one of the lucky ones. Plenty of my peers are retired now and suffering from…you know, the thing with the…um…you know. I don’t mean to sound like an idiot, but…what were we just talking about?”

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