MIAMI--NBA players have uncovered a massive conspiracy on behalf of the league’s referees against every single one of them, the New York Post reported Monday. The conspiracy has existed all season, but the playoffs have brought the issue to the forefront.

“I really don’t know what the officials were thinking out there,” said Kings guard Mike Bibby after a game against the Spurs. “Did you see the calls they were making against me? I was shocked. I was flabbergasted. They were so obviously favoring the Spurs that we might as well have just forfeited the game. And no, there is no way I could have actually committed those fouls. That’s not even a possibility. I’ve never committed a foul. I only get whistled because the referees hate me.”

Ironically, the Spurs themselves are complaining about a conspiracy in favor of the Kings.

“I don’t like to talk about this conspiracy crap, but you can’t tell me that the refs are calling these games evenly,” said Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich. “We’re getting mauled out there on every play, but when we brush up against one of their guys, we get whistled. When this thing is over I’m going to sit down and talk to the league about this. Something has to be done to restore the integrity of the game.”

Even Manu Ginobli, who is known for his ability to draw fouls, is complaining about the lack of whistles against the Kings.

“What is the deal here?” asked the 6-6 guard. “Just the other night I was dribbling down the court and Ron Artest came up next to me and grazed my shirt. You can see it on the replay if you want. Naturally my body shot through the air and landed somewhere in the third row of seats. But you know what? No whistle. Obviously the league has seen enough of Manu Ginobli and the Spurs in the NBA finals.”

The league-wide conspiracy has shocked many observers, particularly because of its size and scope. Referee conspiracies are nothing new, but one involving every single player and team in the NBA is uncharted territory.

“This is really shocking and disturbing,” said Heat center Shaquille O’Neal. “I’ve been singled out by refs my entire career, but to see it spreading around the whole league like a cancer is horrible. I wonder who’s organizing this conspiracy. Who’s behind it? Who’s pulling the strings? And more importantly, how can they be plotting against every single player? It’s a curious strategy. Apparently they don’t want anybody at all in the finals.”

The complaints against the league have grown so loud that Commissioner David Stern was forced to speak about them during halftime of Monday’s Dallas-Memphis game. The Commissioner, flying in the face of all the evidence, told TNT’s Ernie Johnson that there was no conspiracy at all.

“There is no referee conspiracy against anybody. That’s just ridiculous,” said Stern. “Every year this stuff comes up, but it’s never been as bad as it is now. Literally every single player on every team in the NBA thinks the referees are plotting against them. How could that even be possible? . My advice to the players is to relax and understand that fouls are going to be called against everyone, and sometimes the calls will be questionable, but there is no conspiracy for or against anyone in the NBA.”

He added: “Except for the Lakers. We’re getting those bastards into the finals if it’s the last thing we do.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.